Is it any Wonder

2012-02-01T13:08:00.002+08:00

Gonna talk about something that well many people here me talk about but not to a great level...

BOYS

well you read it right ... BOYS, MEN, the MALE species... -A-

yes... I mean throughout this blog you've seen pics of ever so delicious guys~ cute, handsome, with and without a top lying or standing... etc... hehe~ *shamelessly admitting*

but yea... I mean it's NORMAL for a girl to talks about guys being cute, good looking, dateable etc.... and every year I do this thing where I blog about my type of guy so that when I look back I can see how much I've changed... what was there, what isn't anymore.... though I haven't done it this year... which I will in this LONG essay post LOL~ but before all that, there is definitely 1 thing I've learnt .. BE SPECIFIC! cause afterall even if the guy does met your general requirements or the superficial ones he might just end up being a loser or a douche ... so here is my much more MATURE list of things I look for in a guy... yes its no longer just about LOOKS

1. The first thing I notice would be how well he takes cares of himself... he doesn't have to be a jock or a health freak ... all he has to do is CARE about his image... who wants to date a guy who dresses in a tshirt/singlet with bermudas and flip flops -A- NOT ME... have a sense of style... take care of ur image ... but dun worry about it too much!

2. possibly under this category as well... HOW HE SMELLS -A- like yes.... smell good and you will go a LONG way~ prolly nt just for me but any other girl

3. How well he handles his money cause I NEVER like it when he can't take care of his own finances be it just allowance or pay cause I honestly think if men have pride then don't you find it embarrassing if you went up to ur girl asking if you could borrow $20 or when she ask u out u say you DON'T have money till who knws when ... SERIOUSLY?? that is definitely an embarrassment ... cause after all the girl definitely seeks financial stability when she wants to get married ...

4. EDUCATION/ JOB I like to see a guy SERIOUS about this cause it shows that he has a goal in life, a plan for the future and definitely is moving forward in life...

5. Confidence ... just like how guys find women with confidence sexy ... I find that when a guy is confident it's totally attractive... BUT with that said don't mix it up with having an ego cause a guy who is SUPER OVERLY confident will definitely be a turn off for any girl

6. Maturity ... BE MATURE... know when to do what, what to ask, and NEVER complain unless there is a need to -A- i mean girls complain alot yea.... but I definitely hate it when I guy does... like MAN UP and DO SOMETHING about it -A- even us girls do something about it even though we complain -A- so have a freaking backbone and do something about it!!!

I guess the last one takes time -A- but yea ... will continue later with another post.... but for now these are my 6 that I look for... no longer superfial , shallow things like LOOKS~ from experience definitely even today... sometimes I think men are just so predictable... -A-

QUOTE: "Next time take initiative, have the initiative to ... This time round I put your name... It's for your own good.... "

My response?

Initiative? Who are you to talk about initiative to me?? someone who ACTUALLY bothered to ask and talk to you about the bloody project while you stayed fucking quiet the entire time doing the project without me EVEN KNOWING IT! and you call this group work? I took the bloody initiative to get things started and ask and I was fine with your idea so I did what you told me... and even though I did it wrongly don't come talking to me about taking initiative cause you didnt take ANY when it came to group work... so don't make yourself sound like such a bloody saint cause afterall this is group work and where initiative is concern its about working WITH your goddamn partner and getting the ball rolling NOT keeping quiet, avoiding me and then when I started taking INITIATIVE, do you start telling me what your doing ... it doesn't work this way... obviously I just smile and say nothing, pretending I get you when in actual fact I'm mad pissed at you... cause after all that's the mature thing to do right? and funny how I expected this... when 2 weeks went by and NOTHING was done so you dun take the lead? I WILL and when you tell me you've started then fine I'm not gonna argue and ask u why but I'll just do my part ... this is pair work and I will NOT argue with you.... cause after all I've learnt to never partner a guy ever again ... so unorganized, with their bloody ego and acting nice without even bothering much about their group or partner to actually DO something

shall not carry on~ cause I anticipated and expected all this from partnering you... since I've never grouped with a guy b4 thought it'd be in the experience... let's see how much fun we can have... cause when you cross me then you will see how much of a bitch I can be... I knew from the start one day you'd come and tell me something like this.... how predictable.... and they say women don't understand men ...

2012-01-31T19:50:00.002+08:00

Schools back to normal ... next Monday if I'm right ... is the last day of CNY but since SG only gives the first 2 days a holiday this week school went back to normal and so far it's been fine I guess... been really hyped for sewing this semester... I don't know why~ but yea and Pattern making.... am really dreading PD though ... have no idea why... maybe it's because this sem is group work and all 3 of us have different ideas as to how the brand would turn out?? but yea... definitely NOT good...

Not only is there unwillingness but also a super lack of enthusiasm this semester... even LAST sem though hectic and stressful was there a feeling of accomplishment at the end.... but oh well~ time will tell ... I actually CANOT wait for this semesters design project where we sew and do the patterns for an entire mens outfit :DD only cause I know there is a high chance I can wear it haha~ but yea.. I actually CANOT wait for that!!!

I really want to start sewing and drafting and sourcing for the fabrics JUST for this project... omg~ the main project that I used to dread DD:

2012-01-30T00:38:00.002+08:00

Been quite busy this weekend... with more busier weekends to come... like work next Friday ...

gosh~ Apparently next Friday work is full day D: would you look at that~

Besides that, the Reunion dinner with my mum's side being pushed to next Sunday because my aunt couldn't make it back to SG in time, I've also been dying to catch up with Yukie who's also AS BUSY or maybe busier than me DD:

And not to forget Camille who I've to return the dress to~

With all these there is definitely still school which by the way is definitely piling up ....

Besides my busy schedule and soon to be BUSIER schedule, I've been having rather bad maybe worrying issues pertaining to my health and I've no idea why~ one being my jaw... but anyway~

Met up with Claire, Ying Ting, Sukbir, Amanda, Fel and Sunako on Sat night for Claire's farewell dinner since she's going away to Australia next week to study~ and apparently there was this really cute and sudden talk about me liking Ang Moh guys (well I mean which girl doesn't?) for me it's actually British guys to be honest...... but she was so hyped about it that she wanted to introduce me to a French guy who she thinks is hot and is looking for someone who apparently according to her describes me perfectly BUT ~ I told her no promises.... I'm too worried about many things to actually care about my singlehood how.... I just told her no garuntee ~ and definitely I'm also I think starting to form a slight phobia towards like guys~ lol~ yea after whatever happened I'm really scared of a lot of things.... even probably close contact with guys now... gosh either I'm becoming a clean freak (OCD) towards this or maybe I'm becoming a Lesbian without even me knowing it DD: but whatever it is... NO~ I'm SO NOT gonna be enthusiastically hyped about getting attached or even CARING about matters pertaining to this now... -A-

On lighter notes... I've ordered more contacts only cause I'm using my 2nd last bottle.... but yea... (which is GREEN) but yea will prolly open the last one (Purple) in maybe around May? for my new cos... :) yes... started a new project since I've cleared the supposedly AFA 2011 plan which was the shoot~ so yea... started a new project... wonder what character I'm gonna do ~ lol~ this time there's definitely nothing fancy~ but with this project, because of the contact lenses I'm gonna "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" since I've a costume which was since 2yrs ago?? who's plans have been shelved for a VERY long time... so yea this project consist of 2 cosplays... only cause of their similar eye colour :P

Can't wait for this project to kick off :D maybe I should find a partner HMMMMMMM~

Anyway~ aside from this too~ I've started watching anime again~ got hooked on UN-GO yes~ totally love it though its a really short 11 ep series but it's still none-the-less AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! besides UN-GO I've decided to re-visit childhood animes with the new PoT!! remember?? I've been obsessed with it since I was in Sec 2??? and was freaking out when they ended it but it's BACK!!!!!! it's called NEW PRINCE OF TENNIS!!! yes it's a Tennis anime... it feels sooooo good to watch it and see all my faves like Ryoma, Fuji, Kirihara, Akutsu, Eiji, Tezuka, Kaoru, Yukimura and many more LOL~ I've too many faves.... (///w///) but yea...

2012-01-27T21:29:00.001+08:00

Was so hungover today that I just slept and slacked the day away -A- gosh~

2morrow's gonna be a busy day~ gotta brace myself~ wondering what to wear 2morrow....

was thinking of smth preppy and cute..... not something I'd usually wear...... hmmm~

but then again was thinking of something cool yet slightly elegant.... HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM~

what to wear.... what to wear....

2012-01-26T23:43:00.002+08:00

Drank quite a lot today~

promised not to but we did cause I went to Sunako's house to bai nian~

was very high ~ but luckily we drank at her house :P save the embarrassment ~

but yea we were all high playing Shiritori and Wii -A- gosh~

but yea had a fun day~

2012-01-25T23:12:00.003+08:00

So CNY is over and again I'm back on my search for greater, newer inspirations.... which I did stumble on~ definitely~

It was while I was doing website and brand scouting for school :P

PS: the link at the end is my groups facebook page its called Curiosity which I will talk about in my next post 2morrow ~ where the page is all about fashion, the arts and definitely music :) and ofcourse INSPIRATION~

but first ... on my journey to find inspiration I've stumbled upon 2 bloggers one which I find super cute not by looks~ but am totally in LOVE with his sense of style and just the way he takes his photos their concept and definitely the way he write its super cute~ and did I mention he's cute? hahah~ but yea~ will share it with you when it's up on the page :D but yea~ he's from Netherlands and probably like Rory who is my cute Irish boy~ he might just end up being my cute Netherlands boy ~ hehe~

we'll see ~

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Curiosity/281823481878701

Here is the link to Curiosity... please help me by liking it... I promise you you guys won't be disappointed :)

2012-01-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

Hey~ back from CNY reunion dinner~ it was overall FAST! it just went by really fast lol~

but yea... glad its over... 2morrow will officially be CNY day 1 :D

I just wish the days go by faster lol~ though not a very good idea either honestly...

We'll see~

On a lighter note, I've completed 1/2 of the current sketch on my wall :D all there is left is the design that flies away from my C :D woo~ looking nice ~ all I need is to wait for a few days then wipe it clean then use permanent marker b4 I paint the fly aways~ :D

2012-01-22T16:07:00.002+08:00

So~ today is officially CNY eve... been lazing around... had an argument with mum cause she thinks I dun care about her when I just choose to be more concern about her health over a small petty argument we had since after all if we both let the matter drop nothing will happen but she refused to so whatever....

moving on from all this~ I've been kinda ok I guess.... a little bit moody but yea~ shall go resume my work now~ then prepare for reunion dinner at 8.30 tonight -A-

2012-01-21T23:35:00.002+08:00

HEY!!!! just came back from a shoot~

No makeup cause I just came out of the shower :D

but yea~ the shoot went well~ it was raining... and since we couldnt wait for the rain to stop if not we would miss sunset so we just stood under the rain to shoot~

the heels were killing me~ along with the dress and everything but it was worth it :)

shall wait for the photos to be sent and then after editting you guys can see it :)

funny incident while bathing was that I couldnt see which bottle I took as shampoo cause I had my contacts on and when I opened my eyes cause the shampoo smelt weird and apparently I took the body wash that my sis uses hahah~ so yea I washed my hair with body wash -A-

o well~ but yea now I feel sooooooooooo refreshed hahah~ wished I had someone to hug or impress now~ hahah~

lol~ oh well~ shall go pack the area and just stone till my hair dries :D

2012-01-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

Adding a touch of imagination ...~ yes to my wall that is... took down everything... all my posters etc... so now I have quite a bit of space... took it as a canvas and decided to paint stuff on it... am currently working on the space at my table first.... the words are ....

When words fail, music speaks....

the reason for this quote NOT only because I saw it in some pics were because it's kind of true... and well quite cool~ so yea.... then below my cork board will go my infinity sign ...

Cause my com would be placed there... so I can STARE at it haha~

the designs are still pending actually...not very sure about the final layout/outcome... but we'll see~ gonna focus on this wall first... I have a total of about 5 to 6 spaces *on my wall* that I wana paint and about 4 - 6 cupboard doors?? not sure.... still pending....~

Wish I had help... like I can picture someone with me helping me paint or at least keeping me company while I paint hahahah~ sad... I lead a lonely life....

But yea.... still working on it...~ we'll see~

moving on from all this .... is that its the CNY break so no school till wed... :D but will be busy visiting so hope for pics? maybe :P

besides all this boring mundane things in my life.... I've decided to write hand written letters to a few ppl~ for V'day ... started early cause I wana be clear what I wana write....

I've never exactly written a hand written one... only received them ... so this will be new .... and NO it's not all that I lvoe you I wana be with you stuff... its a thank you and apology~ to my close frens who've been with me for over 5yrs now.... and also to a few special ppl besides my mum and sis who've helped me ALOT yea... despite the fact that they've only known me for a very short period of time... :)

2012-01-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

2nd post of the day for reasons I dun wana explain .....

Simply too lazy to haha~

but yea.... been well just wandering around my house and cleaning, clearing up to get ready for CNY and been sooooooooo busy with preparations for Saturday.... yes after Sat I will officially have a new cosplay added whoo~ planned it since last year....

The good thing is you'll get new photos and so does devart and cure

The bad thing is I'll have to break that promise of not taking out the infinite silence for 1 day BECAUSE of the cos.... >w<

Sorry to break this promise.... BUT~ I will definitely draw it back on the night I get back after shower ~ so yea~ that's a promise....

Besides such plans... I've already made plans for my CNY outfits :D which is a plus.... but I think I'll still be all bored and lonely the entire CNY ... I see no reason to dress up -A- not as if I'm gonna impress someone... -A-

I rather dressup for V'Day which is Feb 14 BUT then again I dun have anyone to celebrate with... no bf no nothing so nvm -A- I think I'll just be a slob that day and cry my eyes out at home with the hopes of not dying fat and with 88 cats when I get old....~

haha~ but yea pretty much just want this year to be different but in a good way.... a bit like 2011 I guess???

2012 for me has gotten a bad start? and I ended 2011 with kind of a mess about to happen kind of shit ~ so yea... but 2011 was a good yr cause

1. V'dae I celebrated with my peeps :)

2. Discovered 1D lol~

3. Met someone whom I've kinda realise that I think I'm in love with?

4. Had a frustrating yet fun prolly best bday ever which I wana re-live...

5. Sang quite a bit....

6. Had a wonderful experience in the UK and caught up with frens

7. Cosplayed??

8. Learnt more about love~

BUT~ the bad things were.....

1. I messed up some deep shit ~

2. Lost myself along the way which led to that deep shit haha~

3. Hurt someone during all this~ and I think I might possibly be in love with him -A- gosh~

4. Got "cheated on"

5. Cried my eyes out like there was seriously no tomorrow....

6. Lost mums trust cause of b'dae BUT I got it back... now tech. on probation ~

As for 2012 the good things so far are....

1. I fixed and cleaned up that deep shit ~ :D

2. Found who I was and learnt alot about myself

3. Remembered smth really pleasant and was reminded about the innocent loves I had....

4. Is hopefully finding it~?

5. My frens are back :D definitely~

As for bad....

1. Fell sick -A-

2. Super scared of what the deep shit would cause .... if it got out?

3. That I might end up getting rejected?

4.Moods definitely.... *was suicidal at one pt*

5. Now fear of many things to come...

6. Became less daring (which is a good thing)

Pretty much it I guess??? I dun see much of a drastic change yet but definitely am glad that things slowly got better for me and I found who I was again....

2012-01-19T19:28:00.003+08:00

Hey~ So today is Thursday....

I've been alive... and well....

I miss webcamming with someone.... he makes me laugh and I just can't stop smiling every time we webcam....

But it's also hard to find a good time to :( o well~ shall just take things slow... hope he's not gotten over me yet? *crosses fingers*

O well... you get what you deserve no?

Besides all that.... I saw this super cute vid of this long dist. relationship between A girl from Sydney and a guy from Singapore... aww~ its really sweet and its kinda funny cause the first person I think of is you....

ah~ wish I never let you go....

I can garuntee this.. the next time I hug him I'll prolly never let go ... though who knows if its the same for him....

funny though every night b4 I sleep I think of him and in the morning I think of him -A- when my fone vibrates I HOPE its him -A-

I SERIOUSLY worry that I might be falling in love -A- gosh~

He may have his shortcomings like.... being a bit girly,slightly childish, lack of confidence? and well just being totally diff from many of my guy frens in terms of interest and lifestyle

BUT

For some reason there is this smth I cannot put my finger on that keeps reminding me why I liked him in the first place.... and also he does things that even I never expected him to do.... ah~ I guess its good to see things simple mindedly.... and after all that I've put him through he's still so nice and patient I bet any other guy would have given up and just left....

I wonder if it's too late.....

2012-01-18T19:13:00.002+08:00

Hey~ So in school today there was this quiz about fashion and its like this questionaire kinda thing which I feel would be useful for ppl to get to know me and my style? so here are my ans.

1. What colours do you wear most frequently?

A: Dark colours... particularly black .... I love black its kinda like a must have...

2.Which colour combinations do you wear most frequently?

A: Lately it would be Black and Maroon, Black and Black, Jeans(which is blue, grey) and black... LOL~

3. Whats your fave body part?

A: I'm comfortable about my stomach, and waist I guess its more accurate to say the only parts I hate are prolly my thighs ~ haha~

4. What's your least fave? And the part you try to camouflage?

A: My fringe is an asset ... I rarely go out with my fringe up, I still wear shorts but I hate my sillouhette.... somehow I dun wear body hugging dresses ask I feel like my bum's too big and I'm just fat below?

5. What would you never be caught wearing?

A: Definitely SLIPPERS, CROCS, Ballet flats... hate them all~ as for clothes I'm still fine with bright colours but definitely NEVER a frumpy looking outfit like a singlet and bermudas or smth ... ewww~

6. What would you never leave the house without putting on?

A: hmm~ I'm fine bare faced but definitely without perfume and CLOTHES!!! hahaha~

7. What are five fashion/clothing items you can't live without?

A: My creepers from doc marts, my sunglasses (Furla), a pair of jeans, a black shirt? and maybe my piercings....

8. What's the one item in your closet that you wear again and again?

A: Always a black shirt (I have too many)

9. What do you splurge on?

A: Sunglasses and glasses ... I have a good pair of no degree specs that cost $170 and a good pair of branded sunglasses that cost $180 :P I splurge on sunglasses -A- gosh~

10. What do you never spend a lot of money on?

A: Socks (I rarely buy SOCKS) and they are all the same type hahah~

11. What's your biggest style challenge?

A: Pastel colours hahahaha~ and according to my mum wearing a dress -A-

12. How much time do you spend getting ready? (For school/town/night out)

A: If I'm dressing up with make up and all then a good hr half? But if not then simply 15mins :P

13. When was the last time you were professionally measure and fitted for a bra?

A: Last yr?

14. What was the last clothing/accessory purchase you made?

A: A heap load of Brandy's clothes from Rome...

15. If you had to choose one fave. colour what would it be?

A: OBVIOUSLY BLACK!

16. When getting dressed who are you getting dress for?

A: haha~ mainly for myself but also for the person I'm going out with cause well... I wana look good for that person? even if its just my frens

17. Why does your fave. painting or photog appeal to you?

A: well... my fave paintings are those that make me see things diff. or start thinking... as for photo I like vintage, black white kind of photos... love the whole vintage feel to it.... :P

18. Who is your style inspiration?

A: Just random ppl on the street, like I found soooooo many in the UK and I like a few pieces that Taylor Momsen wears... but its basically influenced by just random people I see on the street or in mags or on the internet

19. When you were a little girl, who did you dream of looking like? Did you try to copy their style?

A: I wanted to look like a princess :) *so cute* hahaha~ yea I did with all the PINK and ruffles and etc.... all the DRESSES

20. What is the first thing you think of in the morning?

A: What morning?? Usually if its really like the MORNING then its just SLEEP -A-

21. What look or style have you wanted to try but have never had the nerve?

A: The whole sweet innocent look~

22. How do you think ppl see you style wise?

A: Frens say its punk -rockish meet gothicish~ where as my mum and fam say I dress like a boy, I'm like her son *who is a girl* and that I came out too early and left smth behind -A- *of all things*

23. What's the one thing you'd like to tell the world?

A: haha~ I duno~ mum reckons its BOOBIES~ but -A- I really dun~

24. How do you want to remembered style-wise?

A: As this punk -rockish meet gothicish, boyish, girl with like awesome make-up haha~ accoding to some ppl :P *Fashionable*

There you have it.... :P my ramdomness... am still waiting for that one text.... the one that I was waiting for came yest arnd 11ish?? now waiting for the next one :) and yet the person whom I dread getting a message from keeps calling me -A- well recently just 1 text and 1 specific time zone but UGH~ -A- annoying~ FASTER TEXT ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-01-17T20:31:00.004+08:00

So today's small life update.... before we go on to the topic...

If you have been following my tweets then you'd prolly know about my sudden motivation for sewing.... *awkward*We're sewing this men's shirt which for some reason I wanted to sew it really well....

All I could think about is "Give me a perfectly tailored shirt"

And it was said by one of the judges on The Fashion Show which is a really good show by the way .... more accurately he said " Give me a perfectly tailored suit/jacket/blazer" EITHER OR~ haha~ but it was on Season 2 during the couples special....

Anyway~ besides that.... today I've been just waiting for this sms .... well STILL AM waiting but who knows.... maybe he wun even reply haha~

Oh well~

Am just glad he's still in my life *whoooo~*

Other than that....been wasting my time reading love stories -A-

seriously a total regret cause V'dae is like nxt month which is also the 4th month of smth really impt .... and I really wana find out the ans.....

but till then :P

I think the love stories are sweet like those poems, love letters CHEESY but sweet haha~

And how ppl dun just fall in love with someone instantly but how it just grows....

It was also the really random ways or FATE that ppl meet and the weird places they went on their first date....

How they could remember every detail .... what they wore, what they did, where they went, exactly what they said ... *gosh*

Well actually I do too ~ haha~ so fair enough haha~

Now for today's topic

Weight/Size

So ... currently watching this show abt the fashion industry in the UK and modelling .... apparently they have this measuring tape which is colour coded so anything that falls between 23/12 inch to 31 inches is healthy for a model and that the recommended BMI shouldnt be lower than 18.5 which is fair.... cause of all the controversy of being too thin and anorexia and stuff like that causing deaths in models, ave ppl being under such influences.... aka the unattainable (which is also unhealthy)

Am kinda glad that in the UK I'm considered model size or Sample size which means the size that an outfit a designer sews will be in my size aka sample size which is used for companies that target a mass market...

such samples are used to show how the garment would drape/fall on a person and how it would look, feel etc... as oppose to just a 2D sketch.... and with these samples meetings are held to decide whether or not to produce this garment for their shop or not....

It's really flattering hahah~ cause I've never been considered model size....

As growing up I was always just this fat girl .... had nicknames, insults .... some which till today I still remember....

There was also this incident whereby a classmate of mine wrote on the board in white chalk and really big letters "*my name* is muscles" trying to say that I'm fat but in a more indirect way and with that the entire class would just laugh .... and she used that as her personal msg on msn and kept signing in to show all her contact ..... she also used to say that in front of my face, when I walked by and STILL everyone laughed.... funny??? Even my dad calls me fat till today... when ppl ask what size I am or guesses a size he will always say an XXL or XL which is really hurtful and sometimes compares his own weight or my sis who is actually model size or smaller to mine or say that I'm growing fatter and that just makes me hate my size even more.... he would never believe even my mum or me that I'm actually M size and occasionally L depending on the cutting... (gosh I just told you what size I am >w< ) *curses*

To me I really didnt bother about my weight much and was pretty happy with it cause I lead a healthy lifestyle.... which was 3 meals a day, 8 glasses of water, rice, veg, meat, fruits .... but I guess its because of such nasty comments that to me size really became a big factor....

I think its really ironic how ppl say size doesnt matter and yet in society IT DOES!! ppl judge you from the way you look, your size.... etc

and yes... I obviously got under this pressure and developed this HUGE worry about my weight.... till today I do the same thing every morning which is to weigh myself .... if I've put on weight even if its just a 0.1 or 02 kg I would FREAK! and WORRY! and just constantly think of it.... and what's worse is I even started measuring my own waist, arms, hips and thighs and freak if even if I grew 0.1cm fatter !!!

I also got under this HUGE influence of running which I kinda developed a love for but it wasnt as healthy a thing as b4 where I would just go for a run on an empty stomach and after the run and water I wouldnt eat ....

Even my portions which was already 1/2 a bowl of rice slowly became 1/3 and then 1/4 .... and soon I've kinda realised that I've picked up a habit of cutting my given portion by half no matter how little it already is....

I did lose alot of weight.... honestly in an unhealthy way and in a span of 1 and a 1/2yr I've lost a total of 10kg... just because of that few nasty comments and insults I get ....

My parents worry and well they still do cause such habits are REALLY hard to kick and after graduation my lifestyle became even MORE unhealthy.... I do run when I feel like it this time NOT on an empty stomach and I do eat after running.... which is a plus ~

BUT

I've started a habit of just sleeping more than 8hrs a day.... the longest I've slept for is 14-15hrs in one day and just waking up to eat dinner and then spend time on the com before going back to bed.... 1 meal in that 1 day .... honestly I dun advice such a diet... its just not good....

If I'm really busy, I totally just disregard my stomach which is also another bad habit I've developed.... I can just do my hw from morning all the way to the next day without sleep at all and NOT even eating anything within this span except prolly dinner occasionally.... but I do drink water and juice and the reason why I have this habit is because of this mindset....

I'm too busy and have NO TIME to eat.... cause when I'm eating I'm wasting time and this time could be spent on completing my work....

It's a really stupid mindset I know and yet I still have it .... =A= gosh~

On a regular day I eat twice a day lunch and dinner BUT lunch mainly consist of starbucks coffee or milo and bread.... or just starbucks coffee....

Dinner is the ONLY meal I actually sit down to have rice and literally what we all call a proper meal....

then what abt breakfast? All I have is well currently its TEA with milk (royal milk tea/occasionally caramel milk tea) with abt 2 and a 1/2 scoops of sugar and NOTE this spoon I use to scoop is deep~ prolly equivalent to 4 to 5 packets of sugar...

why? cause I have another mindset which has affected my body.... I canot take in solid food any more cause I would end up either actually vomiting, feel like puking or just gag as I take in each bite.... its terrible.... and I can never NEVER EVER have meat in the morning cooked or not cause I would have this same feeling....

I've definitely vomited food out before just after eating because my stomach cant contain the food even though its just a small amt....

Though this mindset I have is kinda funny cause I only eat solid food for breakfast when I'm overseas.... I have an appetite when I'm overseas rather than just another average day....

Such habits, mindsets are really bad and yes I do eat really little except dinner which has affected me in quite a few ways....

It has gotten quite bad and well its REALLY hard to change this... now 2 sometimes 1 meal a day and I wun put on weight at all....

The good thing though is that I'm more obssessed over maintaining my weight as oppose to losing MORE weight.... I'm obviously NOT skinny, NOT stick thin and quite plump as I see it....

I honestly do not see weight as a big judgemental issue as I have frens who are bigger and heavier than me and they are just as awesome ... but yet when it comes to myself I cant help but judge and perceive myself as just plain FAT even though I've lost weight and actually do not have a BMI which puts me in the OBESE or FAT category anymore....

Long term I do worry about it cause as the days go by I've notice that my appetite gets smaller and smaller and I just dont feel hungry even if I dun eat a single thing the entire day from 8am to maybe 6pm? It is definitely something I wish to change but I obviously have a fear of putting on MORE weight and returning to this person who I've used to love but then grew to hate....

Personally I would recommend a healthy lifestyle though still don't actually lead one.... Foods that I grew to stay away from are eggs, bacon, ramen, eggplants and just oily foods whereby you can see a shitload of oil.... while I still eat mostly chicken but other food that I eat and love are like bread, cheese, fries, whipped cream?, ice cream/gelato and chocolate My diet mostly consist of starbucks.... SUPER unhealthy as you can see....

And yea am pretty sure it will take me a miracle to change.... but with such media influences I feel that you can really be too thin... anorexia.... bulimia..... was something I nearly became where at one stage I was just puking every single thing I ate.... am glad I gotten over it.... :) but such influence from fashion and the media, society in general really do have an impact on many people everyday and comparing sizes, weight even height, envying someone who looks like a model or wanting to be like a model I think every girl would have gone through such a stage and I really thought NO ONE would ever FALL IN LOVE WITH ME a fat, lazy ass person .... I thought I didnt deserve an guy I was just NOT good enuf and till today I still think so .... I'm in SG a UK 10 to 12 depending but in UK itself I'm a UK 8 to 10 so it was quite weird for me haha~

So yea that's my opinion on weight and size and how being obsessed with it has just made me really self conscious....

2012-01-16T20:24:00.003+08:00

So been reading my old blog post and admiring some shameless photos of myself.... I call them shameless cause they were just really bad photos of me -A- like what was I thinking???

And on this "shameless" topic, the other my sis was look through my cute guys album... yes I have a collection of cute guys.... and some good edited ones which I keep .... and I was telling her that I have shameless and not so shameless photos as well...~ which do you wana see....

So what was this definition of shameless???

Just every girls standard folder of topless guys with abs yes.... abs~

I doubt there is ever a girl who doesnt have a folder like that..... or at least one pic...

ok moving on from this topic... I realised that as I read blogpost from well the most earliest aka my first blogpost.... (IN THIS ACC) yes ... I lost passwords, usernames, changed emails... countless times... this current acc I'm using is prolly the 3rd or 4th acc.... on blogger haha~

BUT~

I realised that my writing style, sense in boys, taste in clothes, make up preferences and many other things have really changed

As I read... I also realise how much I've grown .... how far I've come....

There were definitely cute moments, happy moments, sad moments and angry moments all recorded in this account and as I read through them I cant help but laugh and smile at every post I read because of how different I was back then....

especially how much I've matured... though I still think I'm still rather immature...

Still learning....

But yea.... and it was these accounts that I've written that made me remember a lot of things that I've forgotten ... like how much fun I had when me and my sis took a walk after dinner....

like how pissed I was at getting detention and having my dad rub it in....

how much I missed Matheus when he left....

how nervously happy and scared I was on V'dae when I gave choco to my crush....

and how super duper excitedly happy I was to receive choco back on white day from him....

and all these things happen and I just forgot them....

And now I feel that I find myself cherishing every moment more....

And choosing things more wisely of course....

But yea... there was really many things I have forgotten about my life and because of this blog....

which by the way started in 2006 and have gone through about 4 to 5 blogskin changes and music/tag board changes ....

I got to relive them again... and have a good laugh occasionally.....

and now in 2012.... I just cant wait till maybe when I'm 21 and reading all this again -A-

gosh I think I'll be super amused and embarrassed at the things I wrote.... haha~

2012-01-15T21:30:00.002+08:00

Forgot to blog about a much happier event that happened today~

well as we all know~ growing up you have crushes....

haha~ yes....

Today after mass I saw this guy .... he looked familiar....

had this whole Johnny Depp influencial thing going on~

I kept looking cause he really looked familar....

guess who it was.... it was my childhood crush....

I've had a crush on him since I canot remember when....

I knew him because he was my frens brother .... and OMG~ was he cute back then....

He had this whole in Singlish we call it ang moh kind of feel and was super gorgeously hot...

and then one day he just disappeared....

He was no longer there with his fam. and I was wondering what happened and gotten over it haha~

ah~ Childhood crushes.... such nostalgia.... and yes I saw him today haha~ now with this whole new Johnny Depp influence look which STILL makes him look hot and cute.... haha~ yea

ahh~ because of this it makes me wonder.... will I ever meet Matheus again.... hmmm~

He's the 2nd person for me to fall in love with haha~ or more specifically have a crush on and I can even remember how we met haha~

yes... it was the most EMBARRASSING thing -A-

so for those who don't know.... let me tell you the story~ cause I need more happy things in my blog haha~

I met Matheus in church obviously.... he was this whole transfer guy kind of thing for catholic classes I go for...

On that day I was late haha~ as usual -A- and so went pass the basketball court saw this cute guy and his fam talking to one of the teachers... he saw me and I just walked past and up to class

As I went up I thought OMG I cant wait to tell Marianne (my childhood fren) abt this SUPER CUTE guy I saw.... aand when I went into class... IT WAS EMPTY!!!

Then I decided to just go down and ask the teacher at the basketball class...

haha~ yes he was still talking to the teacher... and so I asked and embarrassingly went to the venue where they held combine classes with other levels....

At this pt I was wondering hmmm~ why is he following me ....

As I got to the venue OMG! he was joining the combine classes too!!!

Obviously he caught many girls attentions and well ~ I spent the rest of the lesson in awkwardness trying to sneak a look at him as he also did~ haha

So that was the first time we met.... and on that day I persuaded myself that he was prolly in the other class and not mine... >w<

The following week ...

I came to class and it was dark so I just walked in .... OAO!!!

There he was sitting in class MY class surprisingly just the row beside me and one seat in front

Ofcourse he was alone in class and the lights were off cause I came early this time haha~

I panicked .. since I opened the door already and couldnt do a single thing....

sooo I went to put my bag ... said Hi and left cause I just couldnt bear to be in the same class same area as him ALONE!!!

I remember my heart beating like crazy and I just froze....

We had lessons together ever since till the end of the year and he just disappeared ....

I remember while he was there many girls even my fren from another class found him cute and asked for his number, invited him to the carnival that was held at our church but he rejected though still gave her his number and email...

I remember the innocent looks we gave each other and the shock looks we have when we caught each other looking at each other.....

He was shy but it was really cute.... and neither of us dared to ask each other for our number and email....

All we did was sneak looks at each other....

I was soo scared and shy that I denied the fact that I found him cute and liked him.... when people asked I remember saying ...

N'aw he's ok I guess.... I duno what you see in him....

And he obviously had a group of fans ....

such innocent times...

All this happened when I was Sec 2 or was it 1.... cause Sunday was the BEST days of the remaining year....

And till today after ....... 5/6 years I still remember that look... those eyes.... that smile....

And after today when I saw my 1st childhood crush did I start to think ... will I ever see you again.....

Maybe this time I would be more daring as to ask for your number... cause I dun plan on letting you go again~ but yea..... I wonder.... where he is... what he's doing.... and whether I would ever get to see him again.....

Though I doubt so.... but it was such a long and innocent time....

And there you have it ... my childhood crushes....

If your wondering how come I remember that exact feeling when I was sec 2/1?

It's because till today I've been searching for this feeling ..... I duno... it felt so right and innocent...

And it was something that I've never experience at all after he left....

Wonder when I'll ever feel that way again....

2012-01-15T19:39:00.001+08:00

Wrote a post earlier which I decided NOT to publish...

Having mix feelings about a few things.....

But I'll just let nature take its course.....

And I'm done trying.....

2012-01-14T15:11:00.002+08:00

So.... I'm feeling a lot calmer after tea.... yes...

Apparently tea works wonders..... I can see why many ppl like tea.... ok~ moving on~

So.... I'm still trying to adjust and get used to the changes around..... after last night of course....

Made my 2nd biggest mistake of my life.... (well it may turn out to be nth but for nw it is...)

Expected understanding, less judgement.... etc.... and got the total opposite.... but well I had it coming so I'm not blaming anyone.... I dun have the right to~

But after that one post I feel like I've come out a lot more mature and well just more ME~

Shall get over all this...

On a brighter note.... a few songs I super into now are songs like ....

One Thing from One Directions as many of you know I've been waiting like FOREVER for their MV to be out ~ <3

Another song is Want you back by Cher Lloyd ft Astro its a just a really fun song~ and well the MV is entertaining haha~ she's also soooooooooo pretty <3

Songs that been keeping me depressed or at least I call them background music are songs like....

Turning Tables by Adele... (she's awesome)

Cry Cry by T-ara the BALLAD ver. its really nice ~

but yea.... not that many BG songs I guess....~

2012-01-14T12:23:00.002+08:00

Today, a new day.... after all that's happened last night..

I woke up today wondering why I was alive....

wondereing why I wasnt taken in by my world....

And still as I try to return, reality just starts kicking in reminding me of everything I did

Good and Bad... and how badly I've screwed up and hurt people around me....

Tossing and turning I can never seem to return ....

Rejected by my own world, my own fantasy .... even they dun want me ....

So I just lay there in the darkness wondering, recalling everything that happened last night....

Nothing's changed.... I still feel like crying.... I still feel like screaming but neither my tears nor voice are willing to come out....

I slip back into this hatred.... into this state of pain that makes me start to think why....

Why am I still here....

Why didnt someone just kill me ....

Why .... Why.... Why.....

And even trying to be positive and forget everything didnt seem to work anymore....

For that moment.... I really wanted to die....

To disappear from this world cause I know that my presence would never make a difference....

So why.... why am I not dead.....

why didnt I disappear.....

Maybe I should have just went to the kitchen to stab myself with a knife....

Such thoughts just drifted into my head...

Urging me to actually do it....

But why didnt I.....

Maybe cause I'm a coward....

Maybe cause deep down I know that even if I were to die death wouldn't even want me....

And so I just lay there.... thinking of what to do with my life....

This suddenly meaningless life....

2012-01-13T22:44:00.002+08:00

I'm ALIVE!!! haha~ yea~ definitely the most recent pic of me .... not HR~ but yea def... a good enuf pic~

So~ update on my life.... as usual~

Been through this really rough time where I started losing who I was .... like really who I was cause of what people said about me... which honestly when you read it... (cause its a written blog) that you would prolly think that OH~ its nothing~ but yea...

I had people calling me Innocent and cute and all and I felt really sick of it ... and I started hating this cause I didnt wana be this whole innocent cute girl who knows NOTHING and is a total airhead and just lives in a fairytale kind of person who honestly I guess you can say that I WAS innocent and had this cute image and all going for me and at first it DID seem ok~ but I just started hating it as more people kept saying it....

SO~ I wanted to PROVE everyone wrong.... which btw was the STUPIDEST thing to do ... but I did it~ I started smoking, drinking (more) lol cause I already do drink but not like to that super great extend... stayed out even later than usual... def not the badass type of late... but close enuf.... changed in fashion sense and started this really no strings attached relationship kind of thing with one guy and all of these things that I've done honestly I am NOT proud of...

why am I writing this on a PUBLIC blog... is because I just realised recently SORRY ~ that I HAVE READERS!!! omg~ I didnt know!!! and I THANK YOU for spending your time reading about my life haha~ so THANK YOU~ ok side tracked ~ but.........

The reason why I'm publicly writing what I did... is because I want people to realise that you cant really change who you are .... and it took me quite awhile to realise that.... I wanted people to see me as some badass smart chick or smth that is you know a rebel or smth but yea... it took me quite awhile, many mistakes to realise this and yes I am not proud of the things I did.... and all I can say is that the last straw for me was one night when I came home and just felt totally diguested with myself and started wondering WTF was I doing with my life.... It came to a point where I felt that I probably just made the biggest mistake of my life.... which I duno if I did.... but yea it was really that bad...........I literally wanted to just cry....

I couldnt tell anyone for fear of judgement and ofcourse I cant tell my family ... my mum would FLIP A VERY EXPENSIVE TABLE or smth~ (and NO! ITS NOT SEX!! if ur thinking of it... NO! THAT'S NOT IT) but yea I felt that I needed to sit back and start reflecting .... so I did~ and I asked my fren who's been helping me ato stay on track and stuff.... this qn...

Tell me HONESTLY your current opinion of me....

and he did give me the exact same ans I expected .... cause that was EXACTLY how I felt about myself.... he just didnt like the "new" me in general -A-

I started hating myself even more and yea it came to a point where I just didnt wana be ME anymore.... so~ with his advice ... I did follow PART of his instructions....

I broke away from that stupid no strings attached relationship.... which was the main cause of my problem...

I couldnt bear ignoring the other person (who I still have those emotional attachments to) I gues it just comes naturally after dating for like a month half... but yea... and Im kind of glad I didnt~ cause I at least know that I have someone I can rely on~ (probably till he reads this but yea) after all the bad things I did... he still didnt judge me (maybe cause they weren't so bad) but yea.... and I'm really thankful for that....

Basically I decided to Spring clean my life... and I did~ It's been almost a week now and I feel that I'm still gonna have to get over all this and learn to love myself again~ but yea... it will take some time.... I'm just glad that I realised it before I make anymore mistakes.... before I lose anymore frens... and yeah it did take me awhile to realise it and I'm glad I did before someone or my mum sat me down and told me how much of a slut/asshole/whatever you wana call me am ~ and yeah~ sometimes I do wish that why didnt I realise it sooner .... then I wouldnt have made that one mistake that made me feel so disgusted with myself... but it's all in the learning process.... now that it's over.... I just have to get over it (forget) and move on...

I see this as the biggest mistake I've made in my entire life so far... and from what I've learnt from it.... it's good to reflect sometimes.... cause if you don't you just end up taking alot of things for granted or just not realise what your doing.... (or how badly you are messing up) but yea.... I've also learnt that I should just be me~ Be yourself.... and love yourself.... dun take it for granted.... dun try to be someone your not just because you want to prove someone wrong...

honestly.... here .... I've lost my first kiss just because I wanted to prove someone wrong and NO I'm not proud of that.... and I know I'll NEVER get it back .... but I just have to move on~ and forget abt it.... HOPEFULLY~

I know I'll never get my innocence back.... (it will take time or NEVER) yes I've stopped smoking and drinking........ and I know that in the future I've to explain ALL this to like my future to be husband or smth ~ slash boyfren.... ok~ but still~ I just feel that there are things I've lost that I can never get back ... (NO I didnt lose that V ) -A- yes.... I am a V and im only that cause I just wana save it for someone special/the right moment/my husband/when I get married etc.... and I'm proud of that.......

Yes I'm gonna admit now... that I am the girl who wishes to have a fairytale ending... wishes to wear this beautiful gown and be all jolly and happy and in love with someone who everytime I kiss makes me fall in love with him again and I'm also the girl who doesnt smoke, drinks occasionally (who doesnt) and rather stays oblivious to alot of things .... I'm that girl who just dreams of a happy ending.... and I'm not ashamed of it anymore........

So you've prolly learnt ALOT of things abt me .. in this ONE post -A- gosh~ please don't judge me is all I'm asking for... cause like I said the reason for this post is because I want my readers and well people out there in general to know that you shouldnt change who you are... instead be proud of it and embrace it.... love yourself and dun take that for granted like I did.... I dun want people screwing up maybe even more badly than I did and regretting it later....

that's another reason why for those who follow my twitter that I've drawn this infinite sign with the word silence on it....(Infinite Silence) which for me is a symbol of reflection .... it's just a reminder for me that sometimes I need to sit back and think of what I have been doing and if I'm on the right track.... yes I know its drawn on.... only cause I dun have the time now to get it done permanently by my fren~ I'm waiting for my semester to end to permanently etch it into my hand probably HIGHER than where I drew it (just for future job purposes) or maybe on my back but yea... for now it will just be drawn over and over till I get it done...

For those who are curious as to how I am now.... it's been almost a week now and I'm still adapting and trying to be proud of myself again... but yes... I did change back to who I am before and I'm loving every single minute of it.... yes there are times where I still remember what I did or just start thinking of it and I'm still trying to get over that but for those in the same position as me, give it time.... it will heal and for the time being just do what you think is right... try to stay on track and yes I've been reflecting more yes it sounds cheesy and chim and all but yes.... reflect... it helps.... talk to a fren or smth ~ like how I update my fren on how I've been doing every 2-3 days .... haha prolly annoying the crap out of him about this but knowing that i'm not the only one facing this alone makes me glad and remember that I still have frens who are willing to stand by me.............

No there is no conclusion cause its not an essay .... :P but IN CONCLUSION haha~ just be proud of who you are and don't take it for granted and try to change it just to prove someone/everyone wrong... like I did... for those who are in the same position, let time heal those wounds....

<3 lotsa love

Hatake Harasaki

2012-01-12T18:50:00.002+08:00

Finally went to school today ... been awhile... more like 2days?? but feeling much better....

Gonna meet Alice for dinner tomorrow... it's also been awhile since I seen her....

Also I feel like drinking... but other than that there really is nothing much I can blog abt ~

My fashion sense is also getting darker.... I duno if its a goood thing or not but yea... its the same usual punk/goth/street thing only darker and oddly more girly and dressy~ I have no idea why~ but yea....

I wana be the girl that wears those cute floral/pastel coloured clothings in general just sweet~ but I doubt I'll ever dress that way~ its just so.... NOT me... or more like it doesnt suit me~ for now maybe~

But I've been into this retro/indie style lately.... i think its nice~ maybe I'll try it~ MAYBE!!

2012-01-11T20:49:00.002+08:00

Dying there would be a spectacular thing....

One where I can picture myself in black just bleeding to death ~

And how my blood would blend in with the leaves.....

So I've been feeling pretty lonely lately... maybe cause i'm just sick... funny how when u say ur sick ppl ask physically or mentally... and my ans is always BOTH.... cause i feel that I am always mentally sick from the beginning never really understood alot of things and really emotionally unstable...

Maybe that's the reason why I like to keep my thoughts inside... cause whatever I see and whatever everyone else sees is very different and because of that I rather be a follower than to set myself apart from everyone.....

who knows..... but all I know is that the worse feeling I've ever experienced is being both physically and mentally sick at the same time and you have no one to hug or care or to rely on... and all you want to do is just cry....

2012-01-11T15:38:00.002+08:00

Facing a new year but messing it up at the start.....

Wonder how one can mess it up soooooooo badly to the point where you start hating yourself....

I guess 2012 is all about self discovery and love for me....~

2012-01-10T22:17:00.002+08:00

After everything that has happened.... I finally learn to never be someone your not....

Just because of what people say you are ... never try changing that.... for you are who you are....

Don't try to change who you are just to prove to everyone else that they were wrong about you....

Cause in the end you are only hurting yourself....

Be proud of who you are... just because they said you are innocent doesn't meant you need to prove them otherwise....

After all... it is just who you are ... and you should not grow to hate it... neither are you suppose to prove them otherwise...

Be proud of it....

2012-01-10T19:24:00.003+08:00

Sick.... yes.... Sick again -A-

feeling super down, emo, etc what ever you call it.... and my brain is not working....

I need to get better AHHHHH!!!!!

Feel so lonely lately.... maybe is cause I'm sick.... I duno~

2012-01-09T21:52:00.003+08:00

I've messed up....

All there is left is to just leave me here and die....

Cause I'm never ever gonna be the person I was before ever again....

So just leave me here to self destruct and die ....

To those I did wrong and treated unfairly...

I'm sorry.... you deserve someone better than me....

To those who I've taken for a ride....

I'm sorry... Just forget about me.... even though you are for some reason always on my mind....

Let me just fade away without leaving an imprint or memory...

Not even a shadow.....

Goodbye....

2012-01-09T20:04:00.000+08:00

Sick like there is no tomorrow.... think I'll end up in the hospital soon~

2012-01-08T22:33:00.001+08:00

Ok... I'm just gonna die now.... goodbye....

2012-01-07T21:52:00.002+08:00

Missing London loads....

aniway... been drinking tea lately so there is no surprise as to how much I miss London~ lol not just the tea ofcourse.... but yea... missing the fashion, people, food... WEATHER!! especially the weather... lol~ but yea... gonna do market research 2morrow.... aka taking pics of cute guys... NOT KIDDING .... but yea... cant wait :D

2012-01-07T14:47:00.002+08:00

A little inspiration to get me going.... ~

give it a few days and I'm sure to come up with something...~

Can't wait for the hols... this time I will do it !!

yes ...~ last month or the month b4 I was suppose to ... but then it got put on hold cause I was busy -A- awesome how "busy" I was -A-

but anyway ... the nxt hols... aka my approx 3mth hols... I will def. do it... this time with a much clearer pic of what I want.... honestly I have 3 words in mind.... just thinking of how to connect them all.... so that they dun look so seperated and stuff .... thinking of a design now.... hmmm~ yea that is more impt than sch work hahaha~ amazing as that is ... yes ~ but aniway ~ 2012 will def be the year I get it done !!!

2012-01-06T22:07:00.003+08:00

A strong word.... say it once and it means that you're prepared to face the consequences....

That's could be why there are always such a thing as no strings attached.... the idealistic way of thinking when it comes to a relationship.... I like you but I dun wana be with you if it means losing my freedom or having to answer to you.... thus many of us use the word LIKE instead of LOVE cause afterall ... I can LIKE everyone thus creating thousands of loopholes and escape routes... but on the other hand.... even though I like you, I dun LOVE you .... cause I also like everyone else... which forms this excuse and door to freedom... or a form of escape route in a way.... but then again... even without saying such a strong word, LOVE many still assume that LIKE is the equivalent of LOVE which is definitely wrong.... since with LOVE there can only be one... and with LIKE there can be thousands of others besides that ONE.... and thus no strings attached comes in... to prevent one from getting too emotionally attached while at the same time be/ benefit from the other party.... a cold yet smart (I would say) phrase with no expectations, emotions, rules, commitment and what not thus preventing the person from getting hurt.... ingenious obviously... but does it always work out the way it's suppose to???

BTW... I just got back... so yea... feeling 10 times more sick than before... felt like dying on the train but yea... am home... shall go wash up and stone or smth ~ ugh~ why does 2012 feel so fucked up already ...

PS: apparently 3rd times the charm :D

2012-01-06T16:56:00.002+08:00

A lazy Friday indeed.... :D

gonna do streetsnaps on Sunday ... hopefully cute guys await me :D

Aniway~ still reading Sorry -A- yes... been reading it since last month ... barely had time to read it ... either been sleeping or on hols... hahaah~ such a stupid excuse.. aniway~ 2012 has been such a pain so far... hopefully it gets better... :) besides that... Chinese New Year is in the air... in a few weeks CNY is here.. I get rich and so does my bank :D but aniway... schools been fine.... social life has been well pathetic... but i dun really blame it .... as for health... im sick so -A- we can just ignore that :)

aniway~ waiting for 5.30 to go wash up and get ready to go out :D feeling so girly these few days -A- gosh~

2012-01-05T22:48:00.003+08:00

Cuteness...

ok~ so today ... was SOOOOOOOOO looking forward to going out but apparently I didnt... super sad... 8.30... mum only allowed 1 hr soooo tech can forget abt it luh~ -A- hope 2morrow would be the day :) really do~ after all they always say 3rd times the charm right??? this is the 3rd time... I dun wana wait for the forth -A- I've waited long enough ... I think you did too ~ sorry I missed the last 2 times...though it was probably for the best... but definitely THIS TIME... other than that... schools been smooth sailing cause its only been the 1st week... slightly sick ..... in my opinion not sick at all ... there is an urge to draw... maybe come up with another composition .... hmmm~ who noes :D hahaha~ but yea... other than that ...just distracted... been like staring at my fone -A- goshhhhhhhh~ but yea..... waiting for that 1 text or call at 9.30?? plus?? hahaha shit happens... trust me... but it always makes my day well technically the day is over ... but yea... it just does... -A- nvm... nervousness, my heart starts beating really fast and all -A- goshhhhhhh~ there is seriously smth wrong with me ..... but ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant wait to do streetsnaps on Sunday ... yes.. MENSWEAR aka hunt cute guys talk to them and take pics :D lol but yea.... love the streetsnap idea... must dress up :D

on a plus note... I just started another blog WHICH i will NOT post the link here... only smart ppl will figure it out...

2012-01-04T18:09:00.002+08:00

An awesome movie ... One Day... super awesome.... you have to see it to know.... but yea.... 20 years is long.... but wasted on other people if they had realised or had done something earlier....

Anyway........................

Sometimes I just duno what to believe in anymore..............

2012-01-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

Missing London.... <3 but yea.... had a blast there and now its time to go back to school... well technically 2morow -A- super unwilling to go ofcourse.... but I cant wait till friday so :D a long weekend awaits me every week now :D whoo~

Meeting Kiwi and Mirul 2morrow .... possibly~ not sure... depending on my lazy ass so :D

2012-01-01T22:18:00.002+08:00

havent written a summary of 2011 .... and I wun lol~ not willing to ... too lazy... but to sum it up, it was a lively year... year that is a good word to use... lively.... oh well~ shall go off and watch INCEPTION~ :D

2012-01-01T16:50:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year..... well not exactly happy but well survive the new year would be more appropriate I guess..... anyway~ I'm back in Singapore.... yes.... Loved London, adored Rome.... found Paris well~ ok I guess... though the buildings and the art are inspiring.... I totally wish to go back to London... live there is a must on my list .... and study well... yea I guess.... love how daring and bold the fashion is there.... it's more street which suits me perfectly... the people are awesome :D yes... yes they are.... :D cant wait to go back there like ASAP if I must lol~ besides all that.... had a wonderful time... especially London~ and well now that I'm back in this hot and humid island, I just hope to go back again :D

2011-12-13T22:59:00.001+08:00

I miss you ......

2011-12-13T16:14:00.000+08:00

so I'm sick........ lol not in the head......... but like physically sick .... and I feel like dying....... -A- need more sleep OMG~ hope I get better soon~ I'm too sick to the point where I cant think straight -A- like seriously........... and well.... I really need to recover b4 Friday :( only cause I'm going out on Friday but yea~ but also cause I'm leaving for London on Sunday and I havent even packed.... been sleeping -A- seriously hope I get well soon ~ :(

2011-12-11T19:59:00.002+08:00

Many thoughts are running through........ obviously the possiblities of each are well thought out and almost everything has already been taken into consideration ..... however.... what is left is the decision of which path to take.... the one that holds the most emotions on or the one that's heartless.... but then again..... besides being heartless.... there is always that one path that u do not wish to let go.... could it be the right decision? yet obviously a decision that one might regret? I finally understand the feeling of being caught up.... there is the decision to just let go... don't choose either.... be free of this drama........ and then there is the option of choosing one.... but also a possibility of regretting that decision............... which to take..................... and yet even after choosing there is this also further possibilities of not being chosen.........after all it only works both ways........ right? to go with the one your certain but not end up happy? or go with the unsure one and end up in a whirlpool of questionable issues............ even with this the clearest and easiest decision is to give both up and just let go ............ ignore them ...... let the feelings you hold on to both die out and start a new .... what you do is what you get right? so I guess Karma has decided to come round and just slap me in the face..... which obviously I think I deserve... no denying abt that.... but obviously the first few steps would definitely be tough and hard but at least I can always say I'm still surviving.... haven't I always been??? Am gonna do away with those sugar coating (most of the time) and well....... just give up.................................................... the BIGGEST by far the BIGGEST downfall is still emotions ................ feelings........ I thought it was trust..... all these while........... trust.............. but...... I'm starting to question this..... after all.... 2 can play a fair game only if there is TRUST.... well I dun really play fair...... but......... sometimes.... to succeed is to play fair.... cause by cheating it just means looking down on ones own abilities.... no?? so I guess........ I shall just give up.................. walk away........ whatever may happen I will gladly accept it.......... regrets? PLENTY....... but now.. I have decided to step back....... let everything decide for itself.......... I'm too tired of messing it up further....... for those I've hurt, I'm sorry....... those I'm about to hurt.... well.... sorry? but definitely it's time to clear this mess up and have nothing to do with either sides........................................ it's for the best...............................

2011-12-11T13:49:00.002+08:00

More worries build up over the days...... hours......... minutes............

till the end of the year comes let me enjoy these last few days without getting too caught up in making next year perfect........

Waiting for the final outcome......................................................... gonna pray its a good one.... :) no matter what happens I still wana end the year happily with NO regrets........ what's meant to be will happen......... after all now its no longer my call .... only time will tell .......

2011-12-10T20:47:00.002+08:00

ok! so he replied... which makes me feel SOOOOOO much better~ not the pic above.... the pic above is today's "topic"... hahaha~ I have no idea since when my blog post started having topics....

I hate you but I love you .... ah~ that is soooooo true to a certain extend....... I duno why~ but yea......... but obviously for some people that hate is WAY bigger than the love.... no offence.... but yea.... good new is that I'm leaving on Dec 18 for London so I dun really need to worry so much about whatever problems and what have you nots..... but the bad news is that I'm still coming back on Dec 30?? 31?? which means that I still will have to face them problems.... but time always heals so I'm not that worried.... with time comes clearer pictures and stuff so yea it is easier to make a decision :P good bye 2011 ~ where I leave all these problems and issues behind only to face them in the new year....

but there is still hope :) so not gonna be worried about anything yet.... YEA~ just gonna weigh the matter and see where to go from here... OBVIOUSLY I need time for myself too :P but yea ...

2011-12-10T14:14:00.002+08:00

Just woke up .......... having a sore throat ....... not feeling well.......... work 2morrow at 8.15.... *sigh* what to do ~ on top of that many things, well 1 in particular is worrying me................ hope he replies soon...... cause this worry is eating me alive -A-

PS. I think I'm still going blind .... D:

2011-12-09T17:42:00.002+08:00

Slept almost the entire day away ~ feeling so good now~

As I was saying..... in light of reason events........ besides the fact that I'm going blind -A- that's worrying for me ~

that's pretty much IT today LOL~

2011-12-08T21:10:00.002+08:00

funny how every single time I come to a decision and do something about it ..... ANOTHER problem arises...... related to that one person .... and it just messes with my brain and makes me 2nd guess AGAIN! like seriously? what is wrong with me ? Either I really duno what to do or just refuse to make a decision ...... OR clearly know what to do just dun wana let or or admit it......... ugh~ what am I gonna do ~ ..............

2011-12-08T20:25:00.002+08:00

Awesome hats btw~

Today had its pros and cons leaving unsure abt many things and really worried about most of the things... but yet my mind is too tired to function

As I am now..... I'm nothing but a wall~

Trust ...... how can I say it ................ it's just hard to do ................................ but I have to try ......

2011-12-08T00:23:00.001+08:00

Wanted to randomly share this foto LOL~ even though they're small~ its looks abit scary to me haha~ or maybe I'm just OCD about such things ~ hmmmmmmmm~ gonna sleep night loves~ will update 2morrow ~

2011-12-07T23:59:00.002+08:00

Been enjoying my Day ...... Just got home Whooooooo~

Yea was chilling with frens as usual~ went to disturb James during work hahaha~ all the MONKS! haha~ while Wayne had exams :P poor dude nv sleep ~ but in general today was kinda fun~ spent too much -A- in need of MONEY! and well overall just plain sheer fun~ This is what happens on my OFF days and when I'm on Vacation if you knw what I mean.....

Wana start reading my book again -A- been to occupied to do so ~ will start prolly 2morrow or smth ~ gonna wake at at 7 to get ready for work at 8.40am -A- 2morrow ends at 4 whooo~ but yea ..... it sucks but we can try??? definitely will crash into bed ~

Besides all awesomeness~ I learnt a few things today~ which is good~ cause its VERY seldom that I get to learn things on my OFF days.... seriously speaking ~ so that is cool~ and of course faults and loopholes and what have you NOTS are also being pointed out so there is always room to rectify and fix all these ~

2011-12-06T22:13:00.002+08:00

Been chilling the entire day ~ duno whether you call it wasting a day away or just chillaxing hahahaha~

Finally after having pink in like forever I've changed it to RED! hahaha~ yes feel soooooo much better now with red ... Pink felt sooooo...... urgh~ I mean I like it but just too girly for me :P love the red.... oddly even though its not my whole head being dyed red, I feel like Ariel from the Little Mermaid hahahaha~ ok an exaggeration but still~

Gonna carry on chilling and finishing my book .... yes that book is barely even half way done -A- what is wrong with me ..... still have one more after this hehe~

2011-12-05T22:28:00.002+08:00

what to do what to do ..... lol~ the Batman sweater is cute btw........

so.... got into trouble..... which and found a flaw in well smth ~ which am banging my head for ....

like seriously HOW CAN I FORGET THIS!!! it was that kind of thing -A- but yea...........

but honestly ~ I AM sorry..... so I shall stick my neck out and get ready to be slaughtered *nods nods* hope its not so bad this time ...................

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

2011-12-04T20:33:00.003+08:00

Been flopping on my bed lately while hanging out with frens ~ currently watching Master Chef... I think the kids are sooooo awesome ~ jealousy much????

Wana go to Sentosa again soon b4 heading to London on the 18th.... when to go ......... when to go ........~

it's also been raining lately so that's another problem ~

-A- oh well~

PS. Things are getting more and more interesting.......... on both ends obviously ~ but then again another decision has been made ........ gotta just suck it up and carry it out ........

2011-12-02T22:48:00.002+08:00

Like I give shit about what you do ~ :P

ANYWAY~ well... had fun that was it...... a lie ? maybe....... maybe not........ but meh~

Dun really care much :P

Wonder what I'm gonna do 2morrow.........................................................................

sleeping has become so mundane to me now.......

though still an escape.........

2011-12-02T15:45:00.001+08:00

recent foto :) gonna leave the house soon :P just a random update that's all~

Clearing up

2011-12-02T02:05:00.003+08:00

So as many things have been done and stuff that has been said, the only thing left is to clear things up...... I've never really had a proper title to any of my blog post b4 but yea here it is..... Clearing up..... Its about time I clear up not only the mess I made but also like what my teacher said.... to grow up and view things more professionally and as an adult....... but yet its hard to do so as sometimes there are many contradictions in my life and definitely in the decisions I have made the past year.... to which all I have to clear and mend .... fix what can be fixed, clear the mess that I have made and throw out the unwanted and those dragging you down to make way for the new.... It obviously seems like an easy decision I mean how can it not be but with the many factors that come into place besides the most basic ones even more things that canot be explained are being taken into consideration and slowly start creeping into well life....

Is there a need to think for them is there anything else I'm missing?

All of which have been thought of throughout the entire year and yet by the end I still am not sure .... maybe there is no proper answer.... maybe things should be the way they are now.... maybe they shouldnt? maybe it is this way because I made it so... and yet am I the cause of my own suffering? am I the cause of my own stupidity? I don't know..... (well yea probably I am) but still who is brave enough to admit that they are?

maybe just as a passing remark but to actually commit to this and say 'Yes I am the cause of this' would just be another stupid thing to do but the right thing.... Nobody wants to take responsibility even for their own actions unless they lead to something great but and yet admitting to ones mistakes and taking responsibility for that not only seems like a stupid thing to do but also a really crazy idea because there are always consequences and well sometimes PROBLEMS which no one is there to help you decide, only guide and advice maybe share an opinion or two but ultimately the decision lies with you ........

So what are you gonna do? leave it as it is? and PRAY and HOPE and do whatever you need to do and somehow it will turn out right??? or sit down think about it and decide what you're gonna do from here..... obviously it has to be either or but then which is the right path? will it lead to another stupid mistake? will it somehow destroy you or build you? which is it? Just by even leaving the problem alone seems very irresponsible and yet will that ultimately lead you to the right path or just nothingness.... maybe the wrong one in fact... and yet if you did come up with a decision .... then is that right? maybe too fast? maybe wrong? how do you know whether its right? a gut feeling? you just know? how do you know you wont regret? or suffer?

And as far as clearing up the mess that I've made seem ..... it is harder than it looks cause sure I can just chuck everything into a box and throw it at a corner, never to be seen again.... but that mess is still there.... only NEATER and in a BOX or do I decide which I wana keep, which I dun need and which is important ........ only to regret later and then call myself an idiot again?

Loads of thought, feelings, sleep..... MAINLY sleep (only cause my fren said sleeping smth off helps one to think about the problem better the next day but honestly to me its just a way to escape all my problems) but yea..... what do I do from here on out is very important and definitely something worth learning....... maybe I'm just scared, maybe I'm just paranoid? but all those are just excuses which prevent you or me from making not only a decision but also thinking clearly and finally coming to the right answer.........

There really isnt a need for conclusions cause to even think of concluding this mess I've made is just hard... but whatever the problem is...... time is definitely needed..... no matter how much time is needed and whatever conclusion (ok its abit nonsensical) but yea... what ever conclusion you come to .......... be sure it is the one you wana take be sure its the right one to you.... cause after all it will be YOUR decision, YOUR conclusion and YOUR problem when it gets bigger ofcourse with many exceptions......... but yea...... more or less still yours.......... and I hate absolutely HATE it when I depend on someone for an answer........ I like to solve my own problems and not drag anyone down with me or force anyone to help me decide unless its something stupid and mundane like where to go or what to eat... but yea.... cause I know by solving my own problems I dont need to account for anyone but myself if I made the wrong decision cause then I will suffer the consequences myself and if I made the right one, I know I did it because of me and no one else....

with that said.......... Social life can be a bitch but you just gotta suck it up and face it and maybe be a bigger bitch but who knows.... grow up, learn a little and deal with it I guess..........

PS. The ice is cool~ >DD

2011-12-01T18:32:00.002+08:00

Went out today at about 2+??? rushed the entire waking up till getting out of the house process cause I woke up late -A- so much fail in that ... didnt realise I set my alarm at 12.30am -A- too much fail -A-

anyway ........ met James, his GF whose name I STILL duno -A- and Wayne... now am currently back home for dinner -A- gonna go to the library later prolly to check up on some Vampire books?? maybe? duno~ but well today was very scandalous :P

2011-11-30T22:45:00.004+08:00

(HAHA realised you cant see the pic... just like highlight it to see :P)

If only someone could say that to me

like seriously ............ the song is like oddly a song that makes me smile like an idiot.... Ofcourse with the idiot I already am I just look even more stupid -A- but anyway ..... didnt colour today.... gonna do that next week .... no work tomorrow so prolly am gonna go to the library.... I need a change of atmosphere, mood etc... whatever you call it .... duno why I feel so fucked up recently ... who cares how I feel anyway ......... but yea.... screwed up many parts of my life.... dun see how it can get any better and now am just suffering the bloody consequences.... but none the less .... feeling like shit seems like the only option available so I'll just quietly accept that -A-

But what the heck.... a change in heart or whatever to break my heart I can take.......... after all its only deserving for what I have done so yea.... *hey that rhymed* but yea.... deserving of what comes my way .... so am mentally prepared for it .........

If nothing happens and things get for the better or they turn out the way I hope it would then I must be either lucky or I duno~ but yea .....

But I plan to just quietly accept whatever comes my way no matter how sad, devastating (an exaggeration) painful, whatever bad feelings there are .... ok I lost my point but yea.........

Stupidity leads to tons of things and one of it is this .... so.... prolly I just have to try to be less of an idiot next time ... If that is even possible........

PS. I started reading a new book ... oddly its called Sorry but yea ... it still my kind of book .... feel like I can turn into a serial killer hahahah~ *jokingly of course* please do not take that seriously.....

2011-11-29T22:34:00.002+08:00

been reading lately ........ finally found the continuation of the Cirque Du Freak :D the Darren Shan Saga.... and so almost finished it though D: anyway I still have 2 more books waiting for me keke~ shall finish this soon~ anyway~ worked yesterday...

Am planning to colour my hair 2mrw ... hopefully its possible.... goodbye pink~ am getting bored of it alrdi :P sorry to say that but yea..... was thinking of like lilac or purple or blue but n'aw not now~ am gonna get another colour we"ll see 2morrow >D

2011-11-28T00:50:00.002+08:00

work in like a few hours time -A- supposedly to be sleeping early I wonder what happened to that........ anyway ~ yea work at 9 meet 8.10? so now its 2 -A-

gonna crash into my bed 2morrow ....... -A- I mean later -A-

2011-11-26T20:50:00.001+08:00

To do many random things in one day .......... well not but I wish I had the courage to :P

Cried today....... couldnt take it anymore but yea.... o well~ am trying to forget........... like the saying goes........ forgive and forget........ just currently skiping the first part cause I can nv forgive myself........ :)

2011-11-26T01:55:00.002+08:00

worked today and was SUPER distracted the entire time -A- like seriously ....

whatever I did, wherever I go .... I will never fail to think of smth -A- yea technically related to the prev post but yea you get the pic..... not yet nearing to tears but tolerance level is slowing increasing ........... ah~ Librans -A- why are we such stupid people...... *no offence to anyone who thinks otherwise*

anyway ... work went swell, met Mirul after that ........ he's more like a bro to me..... and to be honest he nv saw me as a girl anyway hahahaha we are like bruthers hahahaha only cause we are Librans born in the same year hahaha~ so our characteristic are similar ~

so we went girl watching hahaha *is that what you call it?* nvm -A- but yea and he had this really weird theory of how women should walk a certain way -A- but yea.... I mostly just look at the boobs but ofcourse without everything else to complete the "package" then I dun see the pt of the boobs -A- but yea...... odd considering the fact that I'm a female but like I said..... we be bros ~ hahahaha then ofcourse we talked, emoed and stuff *is there even a past tense of emo?* and then ofcourse advice was given and well still am trying to fix the mistake, problem, stupidity, idiocy anything you wana call it ........... but yea..... pretty much it........ and why did we talk abt it? why didn't I talk to someone else? its because we be Librans of the same year and so we kinda noe like why the other does smth ... *its a Libran thing* but yea.. so less explanation is needed in general hassle free :P its like talking to yourself only different? hahahaha cause u still get a 2nd opinion and all ~

besides that....... nth much really....... I'm just praying that everything will work out soon~ so I dun feel as depressed? *contradictory to all the laughter in the text* but yea ....... *force of habit* but yea ...... higher urge to drink *I realize I like to drink when I dun feel great...* (Thats bad....) but anyway...... besides that, there is the urge to play pool, smoke *which I dun btw* and drink somemore but yea........ I used to sleep to escape from like my problems which is prolly why I get urges to drink........ cause after I drink I always am able to sleep prolly 1/2 the day away more smoothly than without............*lol I sound like an alcoholic* (honestly I'm not and I rarely drink) so yea...................

on the side note I finished the design for the tattoo :D

2011-11-24T17:54:00.003+08:00

The things I do to make my life a living hell -A-

well.... made a stupid mistake, tried to fix it but made another stupid mistake and now am starting to regret and second guess everything -A- and on top of that, well.... I dont know how to fix it ............. in general he must totally hate me now......

I'm prolly a heartless, self centered idiot to play with peoples feelings *nods nods* even that's new to me..... I did think of what if's.. I did think of other alternatives, I'm just not good at showing my feelings and I totally regret too many things......... but the refusal to be frens was just fear of second guessing all my decisions again and well NOW i AM so -A- i guess there wasn't much pt ....... and also the fact that I duno how to face you after that....

-A- I'm just such an idiot and I am sorry though no matter how many times I apologize nothing will change I guess.... so yea....

2011-11-22T18:49:00.002+08:00

So since its the start of my hols, well.... I've cleared the area :DD whoooooo~ yea more or less...... my rooms still a complete mess.... but yea..... gonna have to start fixing the costume and get the blue bangle before the shoot in December >D yea~ other than that........ the gym :P totally completely utterly broke -A- soooo yea~ work too.... currently taking 25th 28th nov and 1st dec... only noe its 2 days in nov. cant remember the exact dates -A- though I alrdi have the schedule its SOMEWHERE~ hahahaah but yea... long hours of work prolly ..........

2011-11-21T18:28:00.001+08:00

been clearing my areas the entire afternoon ......... why afternoon cause I woke up at 3 + haahaha~ but yea :D shall continue doing so :D like now..... just finished dinner with delicious CHICKEN hoho~ gotta clear this place so I can go out 2morrow :D

2011-11-20T22:23:00.002+08:00

School officially over, the weights coming back... I duno whether its a good thing or not.... but will definitely have to start running again ~ besides that, all is well I think?? am living a happy SLOTH life >D hahaha~

2011-11-15T01:27:00.001+08:00

talked about makeup but since BLOGGER decided to have an error........... -A- i shall RE-write it the nxt time -A-

PS. no pic cause I'm annoyed at blogger now........

2011-11-13T22:42:00.001+08:00

Makes me wana fall asleep beside a dog LOL~ hahahah~

but yea.... been like trying to do work and either get distracted or my com either starts lagging, hanging or just suddenly decides to shut down -A-

anyway~ a week more and we're done with hell!!! and then ofcourse we all can go drinking, etc... hehe~ been like coffee free for abt 2 weeks maybe 3 now ~ and alcohol free for about a month plus? hahahah~ doesnt feel right without either :( ahahah~ BUT~ i still at least need to stay coffee free for another week or 2 and maintain this diet i'm on till I actually do the shoot -A- sooooo~ starbucks is sooooooo calling me and tempting me :( HAD BUBBLE TEA yest though hahahaha~ super happy about that at least :D

2011-11-11T11:44:00.002+08:00

so~ as everyone knows, my current situation = no sleep for ........... 24hrs +9hrs = 33hrs and counting ...........

eyebags are getting visibly obvious when they were disappearing last few days :( due to the lack of sleep today.............

Have been going COFFEE free for about a week or 2 nw -A- am glad for that :) and not cause without coffee i technically canot get through the day :( though my skin is less dry? lol kidding~

but yea~ slowly breaking down 0A0 need SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -A-

nvm~ currently all that is on my mind is sch work why!!! I DUNO!!!!!!!

2011-11-11T07:58:00.001+08:00

Mornin~ I am currently a happy bird ~ cause i just finished math aka no sleep and drank tea ~ LOL tea seemingly calms nerves....... gonna be late for sch but not panicking~ shall go wash up now :D

PS. the lack of sleep is making me feel numb this morning ~

2011-11-10T00:48:00.002+08:00

things are going for the better..... not as stressed out I guess..... am glad about that...... besides sch, and well things i cant be bothered to mention :P A few plans have been made :D not confirmed but yea plans.... I actually cant wait D: its scary but yea I cant wait for these plans to happen ...........

1. To go drinking after Assessment at night ... with classmates ofcourse :D

yea there really isnt much reason to this one........ just that I be of legal age >DDD hahahaha lol kidding just yea~

2. To get a tattoo

LOL no reason to this one too hahaha~ just wanted one........ random decision making like how i decided to get a 3rd piercing :P there was a reason to the 2nd one ahahaha~ so yea~ just wanted to do it :P shall go through with this...... even though I know it will prolly hurt like there's no tomorrow but I guess its good in a way cause my frens gonna help me do it :D whooo~ at least I dun scream, cry in pain in front of a complete stranger ??? hahahahaha~

yea in general these 2 main plans have been set :D wana do the tattoo b4 the end of the yr .... no kidding~ duno why....... :P I think i'm just weird .A. hahaha but yea~ honestly scared but shall go through with it ! *determination* hehe~

2011-11-08T23:11:00.002+08:00

at a losing end.........

unhappy, lost and have no idea why I'm torturing myself....... honestly.......... maybe i should just give up......... forget about even trying cause we all know what would happen either way....... hate doing what I'm doing now...... hate they feeling, the hate, everything.......... I just hate it ........... never did I think I would be so unwilling to do what I love.... never did I think of giving up till now.......... am I just childish? am I just immature to see things beyond? because honestly I need guidance ......... I cant stand alone........... I cant do things I used to do independently alone anymore.... because I keep questioning what is right, what i do ..... would you like it? would you hate it? would you scold me if i did it this way? why am I not smart enough to go along? why cant I be clever enough? why cant I be good enough for you to look at what i do and not the order i lay them in.... why??? Has it come to the point where I canot keep it all in? has it come to the point where whatever I did all becomes nothing? Do i need to lay them all out for the world to see? cause no matter how hard i try to keep them hidden so that I do not feel left behind, different, incapable of keeping up.... All this will be exposed and leave me with nothing but feeling stripped, forced into a world of judgement.... and if i can say it is a good thing? I don't know because I feel that my best is NEVER enough... and will NEVER be anymore when it comes to you... cause no matter how hard i try to complete my work, to produce something I AM PROUD of ..... it doesnt seem so...... because honestly I am NOT proud of what I did this semester.... except maybe my REPORT which i feel still lacks things but am proud of. Can I possibly do better yes...... but am I proud of it ??? cause honestly whatever I did , NO becomes really obvious.... the only work I can proudly say I did well, right, was my CDE that one painting reflecting all my feelings this semester.... anything else?? no............. what can I say? I am incapable of producing work which is RIGHT which YOU like, which I am proud of... all at the same time.... So please dun hate me when I say .......... I give up ..... dun hate me when I say I quit.......... cause I cant handle it anymore, emotionally and physically and wish to just sink.........

2011-11-07T21:20:00.002+08:00

perfection...... not??? i think it is >D

or it could always be the angle :P

so.......... today has been a very tiring day :( just sleepy the entire day ........ really hope to finish everything :( wish i can have some fun and let loose :( feeling soooooooooooooo unmotivated now~ :(

2011-11-07T18:12:00.000+08:00

:P doin my tech flats for sports wear now....... 5 down .................... 35 more to go ~ :( with SKU, colour etc......... I wana cry :( need a life~ o well AFA is coming WHOO~ wish me luck~

2011-11-06T16:33:00.002+08:00

Michael Angel Fall 2010 ...

I know i'm abit slow......... but its one of my fav. so far... the collection is just AWESOME! love the prints and how there's this effect that makes it look like your looking through a window and what you see outside is a totally whole new world..... love this dress the most honestly :D I think its just pure awesomeness >D

ok moving on away from fashion~

been trying to keep calm and stress free~ its smth i really need to do~ seems to be working really slowly~ but yea ~ i can handle it :) AFA nxt week cant wait to take a day away from all these and just have FUN! omg~ really hope that i get to see DD sooooooo long nv see her :( hahaha~ totally love her cos~ no matter what character it is >D obviously~ total biasness but who cares~

Another thing ...... I NEED CLOTHES!!!!!! :( like seriously in need of shopping :( heels, boots, shorts, jeans, shirts anything you name it i am in need of loads of SHOPPING! havent been shopping for months now :(

2011-11-04T04:54:00.002+08:00

Feeling really torn and confined now........... -A- too much work, today is also a no sleep day 2nd one this week....... wonder how am i going to cope with the rest of next week.... I hope everything turns out alright :( am super stressed and tired yet I cant go to sleep and i'm here wasting time blogging about my own feeling and opinions cause I know that if I don't then i do not know what to do with them............ a 4th break down would be scary .............. though i know it's coming and the mosquitoes are not helping :((( its making me feel more emo.................... super stressed about sewing, pattern making, research, comp tech, math and PD especially PD -A- still awake doing research report D: the final report HAS to be my BEST! i don't care.... and yet I have no idea what I am writing cause i'm too tired to even think -A- but i cant sleep unless it's done O.O sooooooooooooooooooooooo :((((((((((((((((( I need hugs -A- I swear i do .......... i feel that i really need hugs.......... :((( a little bit of care and concern :( someone to watch me cry and break down well......... just to be there for me and doing it infront of my family is too embarassing :( even friends though it happened on Wed :( but yea ......... i rather break down alone then let someone see me suffer like this :(

2011-11-03T12:27:00.002+08:00

week 13 is almost over -A- too many things left to do~

had a mental break down yesterday which was not good :(

anyway~ after 11hrs of sleep , today I'm fully charged and ready to work again :D

yea~ but first to update my com cause its slowing down my entire com if i dun update and that alone is taking FOREVER~

2011-11-02T12:34:00.002+08:00

duno his name :( but love the position and angle... goes well with the black and white >DD bet it would suck if it was in normal colour =A= ......

havent slept in a day :( actually a day ++++ cause only had a nap here and there the day b4 :( super tired, sleepy, stressed....... no words can describe how i feel :( shall try and finish up all my work.... :( seriously try :(

cant wait for week 14 to end... PS. we're in Week 13 :( long way to go :(

also cant wait for next Sat cause of AFA :D

yes the 1st day of the 1 week "freedom" to complete ur work.... and I'm spending the 1st day at AFA >D lol only cause i seriously need a break b4 I start work again since all the submission for these 2 weeks are so near each other :( wonder if i can survive :( eye bags UGH~

with AFA drawing near.... a surprise will be in store ofcourse >D gonna cos a character that is super different... someone I'll prolly never cos again.... and never even thought of doing only cause she's sooooooooooo slim :( lol~ hehe~ besides the fact that her boobs are big -A- nvm~ ignore that last part :P but yea............ let's see how well I fair.... if i can even look presentable.......

eyebags, skin condition worsening -A- feeling so emo now~ :( no one would want me anymore... I've become a panda.... :P or a cave person :(

2011-10-30T23:15:00.002+08:00

week 13 .... means WAR its time to start war...... gosh~ and i'm still blogging =A= such a failure.......

like my new header??? >DD

changed it cause i got bored of it LOL~

i'm such a failure :P

2011-10-30T02:06:00.002+08:00

Today we feature Rory Torrens >D

only cause I love this picture of him >D lol~ yea that's the only reason :P

so much stress has been building up :(

I need a hug...... =A= like for some reason I'm just craving for one LOL~

strange ... :P

2011-10-28T20:48:00.001+08:00

Douglas Neitzke

:D cute rite~ >S

only the cutest >DD lol~

2011-10-27T19:16:00.002+08:00

Name: Luke :DD

Male model from LONDON WHOOOO~

epic cuteness ... prolly because of the foto concept and stuff but :P

lol so..... more work, same amount of time........ dying yet still surviving :P soooooo I guess I'm doing pretty well so far :D

even have time to look for such pics >D lol~

the only way to relax?? >3 lol kidding ~

gonna upload pics of the work I've done, maybe my final collection etc. SOON! not now :P

prolly when the sem is over.........

and it's official!!!!

will be going to LONDON, PARIS and ROME starting from December 18 WHOO!! can't wait for that.... :)

ok.......shall return to work >DDD

2011-10-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

Another model.... from where and who? I do not know but from now on I shall just upload eyecandies >DDD

well. just loving this picture :D the angle and his expression and hair!! especially the hair >D

ok besides all that :P

shall start painting my CDE hw as soon as I'm done blogging :D

stayed in school till almost 11 today :D shall do it next week again ....... realise i can get alot of work done :D well kind of ~ but yea~

watched Imagine that and 9 yesterday...... 9 was awesome though the ending was well... sad and sudden and like meh~ =A=

Imagine that was FUNNY! :D

gonna watch the last airbender later and then 3 musketeers tomorrow on screen :D

whoooooo~ shall go paint now :D

2011-10-25T01:32:00.002+08:00

hotness >DDD super cute model from UK~

His name, Christopher Cooper... not your everyday model i guess... cause he's got ear enlargements but still epic sexy~ok....... yea he has that bad guy image :P that i find it very attractive hahaha~ ok besides the point......... but yea~

waiting for the paint to dry =A= ugh~ hate the waiting part.... well 1 part of my background done :) soooooo ~ that leaves part 2 and 3 =A= hope it doesnt take forever =A=

2011-10-21T00:24:00.002+08:00

been so into One Directions lately :D can't help it :P

so~ just more work piling up each day.... its never ending and yet here I am :D

a few more weeks and we're done :) hope everything goes well :)

2011-10-16T17:02:00.003+08:00

so.... I cut my hair :DDDDD now its like super short at the top that I cant tie it =A= *regretting* heck~ i like playing with the shortness, :DDD though it does stand up sometimes :P so weird.... but for some reason it doesnt stand or anything when i wake up ....... it will just be a mess =A= o well.... :P besides that.......... I think I got tanner D: must be cause of Fri when I went to Sentosa =A= gosh~ o well~ working on Assignment 1 8 illustrations =A= now at no. 5 (outline) =A= this will take awhile.... havent even added colour or anything else yet DDDDDDDD: o well~

2011-10-12T14:17:00.003+08:00

hey~ :DDD today be wednesday .... have a pleasant wed everyone :) tomorrow with Alice and Fri = Fun day from sch :D shall anticipate these 2 days >DD

2011-10-10T21:14:00.002+08:00

So........... just a short update keke.......... before i resume work =A= unwillingly of course....

Works been piling up >DDDD like mad obviously ... wonder how i can finish it all on time =A= starting to worry...

gonna cut my fringe on Thurs cause its getting too long till i look like Sunako >DDD yea~ also meeting Alice WHOO!!! and prolly gonna go shopping >DDDD *the whole point of meeting* prolly >DDD

For once I'm really looking forward to Friday.... actually wana just lay on the sand or smth and SLEEP =A= yea... ok maybe get a slight tan or smth =A= though i love how fair i am >DDD but yea.... I for some reason feel that I badly need the sun =A= something is def wrong with me keke~ but yea.... badly need some sun =A= prolly will say I'd have enuf of the sun in 5mins or less =A= LOL~ ok~ random ............

besides all that.......... Friday is the only day i can for once RELAX!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! thats the whole pt keke~ loving myself LOL~

ok shall go and resume work WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-10-05T14:15:00.002+08:00

I'm looking at you............ for help................ lol~

just a short update.... so.......... sch has been well.... a train wreck first.... LOL~ ok.... the week so far has been ok i guess.... nothing that great but works been piling on as usual.......... super lazy and tired though hehe~ still need to do alot of things........ ahhh~ now at PD WHOOO~!!!!!!!! wana end sch ASAP hehe~ duh~ :P shall now go carry on with lesson :D

2011-10-04T10:00:00.002+08:00

my new wallpaper... though i honestly have no idea where it is from =A= lol and also because of the no. of files and notes i have on my desktop you can barely even see the picture =A= thanks sch work ................

ok besides all of this................. I AM FINALLY 18!!!!!! whooooo~ yes.. LOL~ and well unlike my normal birthdays where i would stay at home, celebrate it with my fam at some ex. restaurant and what not only to come home and just go to sleep ............ i spent it with frens :DD which is 1 thing i really wanted to do on my bdae WHOOO! another thing was drink though i only had a bottle :( but yea good enuf for me hehe~ and then followed by spending the last few mins of my bdae yes which is like till 12midnight outside and NOT at home sleeping or doing whut not.... hehe~ Yea so am glad i did these few things ..... I had loads of fun :D though only because i stayed out till 12 + that i came home and got scolded, possibly grounded and well just in a heap of trouble LOL~ but yea....

yes i came home, got scolded, mum said i was drunk even though i was not, prolly not gonna be able to go out the entire mth and well just sch and home in general =A= sadly ofcourse....... but well a price to pay for that 1 night so like i guess yea.... and woke up today to awkwardness in the house.......... yes........... really just awkward :X super scared to say anything super scared to do much =A=;;;; this pressure is killing me.......... still waiting for them to tell me my punishment OFFICIALLY LOL~ yea.... so am just awkwardly sitting here ....... :P

2011-09-30T21:22:00.001+08:00

lol yes I do :P from One direction... guess whose initials??!! LOL~ >D sch has been =A= in general so meh~ work starts at 8.15 tomrow so :O shall panick later anyway super tired today anyway ~

lol here's a pic of me in my room :P sorry being abit random ... :( been hooked on a couple of songs lately ESPECIALLY one direction......... :D lol~ other's include The wanted, glad you came and Adele's Someone like you :DDD yes... as for Japanese... lately it's been Yu Yu Kimi to Zutto and as for Korean ........... hmmmmmmm~ still Big Bang and 2NE1 LOL~ their the best to me :DDD

ok besides that... sch's been a bitch lately... but i guess its getting better ... maybe~ probably... but yea... besides that................ just need to slack, take in some alcohol LOL~ *not really necessary* coffee will do fine LOL~ and well nothing else I guess... just do work and pray for progress YEAH~ hope everything goes well... am really worried about my grades since last sems shocker GPA =A= yesh ~ it was a shock to me >DDD well i expected it but well just the comparison is scary =A= sorry to say that.... but from now on i'll do my best :D yesh~ i will...

it has really been a rough road for me this sem honestly... there are things i do regret but well i guess its just a lesson learnt ... there has also been some social , emotional issues I had to deal with and well... i guess they're slowly getting better HOPEFULLY ... i really hope everything goes well for me ... I'm just afraid of falling apart again... so yea... I really hope that everything will go well for the next few weeks till my holiday :) really do.... Love be totally unimportant at this stage where by i feel that i have many personal issues that have been building up over the past few years that have just been left there and well I feel that its about time to let them go and try to fix some of them .... so yea... there is no hate or anything just alot of emotional problems i guess.... especially now... o well.... shall just try to work them out :) and hope i do well this sem :)

2011-09-28T07:30:00.002+08:00

the pic doesnt really mean anything :P lol~ just prolly how I felt HOURS ago =A= didnt even sleep because of work... felt the need to at least complete something =A= so yea... I feel like I'm basically floating... you know how one gets drunk and feels neither here nor there not being able to concentrate and stuff... yea~ that's how I feel =A= gosh~ after today... just after today... just let me complete my math hw and then I will be bliss =A= for the next few days... lol I'm thinking short term here =A= shall go wash up now and get ready to go to starbucks >DD

2011-09-25T21:39:00.002+08:00

hey~ so..... well work progress is well NOT THERE today definitely... been super hooked on certain shows :D and secretly, ONE DIRECTION!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway.... there are still so many things to do :O whut to do... whut to do...... gonna go to school tomorrow to sew and then home again to hopefully finish certain work for tues... =A= super worried now abt sch since the tutorial break is well OVER AHHHH and One Direction has became my new obsession :O

2011-09-18T01:38:00.002+08:00

A pic of Kiseop b4 I sleep.... Seiransai 2011 is 2morrow WHOOOO~ and then off to World Runway after that... OMG~ Sunday is gonna be so packed and the last day I get to relax GOSH~ and the work begins =A= yay~ not that i dun really like it ... well yea i dun ........... but i try my best.... the week has been very well bad... for me... just falling sick, being emotionally unstable, physically unstable too... and then you have someone telling you how little they think of you and how pathetic u are compared to everyone else... then there is also how much u have tried ur best for smth and then being pushed back and shot down cause what you have done is either wrong or not right or just stupid cause it was not what they wanted.... being isolated out from that comfort zone to be scolded, picked on, shot the feeling was super bad.... it really made me feel like giving up and that what ever I have done till now is just totally not worth it.... yea maybe I am wrong, maybe cause you have power over me that i don't stand a chance to say to express how wrong you are about things or how you said something complete different the previous time maybe I dont have that status cause yea i have come to a sch yea I have come to learn but that doesnt mean that when you are not satisfied you SCOLD, you make assumptions, you just push ur opinions on me just cause u are not in a good mood.... i mean if you see this happening have you ever thought of ever trying to give clearer instructions or examples NOT at the last resort or LAST minute.... have you ever thought that how each person interprets something is DIFFERENT?! and when its wrong then just sae where dun insult or make someone feel so USELESS and STUPID cause that's how I felt, like a total complete fool... maybe I was wrong but still... I believe we all have pride and have taken pride in what we did be it right or wrong cause at that moment you only can be shadowed by that feeling but i dun see the need to make someone look like a complete idiot... no matter how wrong they can be... i did try my best and that is something I am proud of and if you really want to see me faint in front of you just to produce you work that I know you will DEFINITELY reject after that.... sorry i dun think its worth it cause YOU are not worth it.... yea you may be a teacher BUT you are JUST a teacher I know there are many more out there that will prolly be better than you whether I am right or wrong I dont know.... really.... but if that means losing a teacher like you .... I feel that it might totally be worth it... cause I see no need in following YOUR mood..... its really unfair.... if you do things according to YOUR mood why cant i ?? right? maybe then you will know how it feels.... if I ever graduate... I never want you to take credit for anything... cause all you did was make me feel pathetic and useless... and prolly the ONLY person who made me think that I made a wrong decision...

2011-09-08T20:01:00.002+08:00

HEY~ a self cam shot from just now :D been trying to finish my work lately....... loads of projects, assignments etc............ :D shall just enjoy my life when all this is over.... though i really have this urge to cosplay :( shall do that over the hols LOL ~

2011-09-07T01:10:00.002+08:00

a pic of kevin... :D just found another of Eli hur hur~ my 3 fave guys LOL~ besides the pt... so just floating by today.... waking up early to do work and then sch and back to work and then tv for 2hrs and now blogging... shall wake up early 2mrw again to do work since 1st period cancelled and then back to sch and home again for work shall keep this hectic schedule up for the week.... because of the sudden change in events so... the need to hand in list has changed

research report 1
25qns for questionaire
final sketch for nxt weeks illustration :(

so far these are the main ones.... next weeks going to be even more hectic and crazy given all the work thats due next week because its week 7 :O the unwillingness to give out surveys have come but o well...shall do my best :D LOL~ besides school updates.... I have practically no time to relax much .... I just try to slip in an hr or two of tv and stuff just for relaxation.... but other than that... the never ending pile of work that I get is worrying.... :(

2011-09-06T01:09:00.002+08:00

lol my current wallpaper... :D yeah... Ukiss came out a new single... NEVERLAND... if any of you have time... you should listen to it... its awesomely catchy :D I have another picture but of Kevin though I shall save that for later... :P Am also addicted to Block B Wanna B its really catchy :D and scarily 2 rappers from there sound abit like GD and TOP :O lol~beside the whole music thing ...

Have been trying to finish work ... like SCHOOL work ... am super worried for it... like SUPER SUPER worried for it.... no kidding.... well submissions for the week aka week 6 (yes this is my week 6) include the following

Intro to illust. Sketch development and medium sample
Mood board (need to re do :((( )
Comp tech (which i did like parts of it first to confirm)
Research Report 1 ( smth I'm working on NOW and will continue tomorrow)
Knit top (which I need to start on, yes that knit top... due nxt week )

Currently these are the things I can think of at the top of my head... what ever remaining due... I have no idea... :( so ............ wish me luck this week too :D am sooo gonna need it... especially comp tech which I dread the most.... never really liked that course... :( only cause me and comp. dun go well together when it comes to illustrations :( yes... I be old fashion type LOL~ hope I can complete the report 2morrow.... I wana print it early :D and not worry about it till friday (due on friday) LOL gonna need loads of luck and a stress reliever on hand :D

2011-09-02T02:02:00.002+08:00

The truth... :D

yesh... this week has been really stressful and it still is by the way No doubt about that... Still struggling just hope i can pull through the week honestly cause I feel so stressed out to the max... even alcohol LOL won't work :( but well i can try other HEALTHIER methods LOL~ will sleep just after this blog post cause i feel the need to express how stressed I am LOL~ I am very worried about many things... and yet I have NO time to relax at all and when i do the work load still continues to pile up like there's a never ending hole to store them =A= i feel super tired to the max and still getting by each day just by a mere few seconds... :( I really want to have this balance of work and play but it seems like this is not working out for me ... and that I cant seem to see what i am doing anymore... Quitting would be one option .......... LOL but sadly that's definitely not possible LOL~so now am worried and depressed and stressed out in silence...

2011-08-29T00:33:00.002+08:00

so.. its been awhile since I blogged.... well the first assignment for Pattern Making and Sewing is to design and sew a knit top ... thus the pic above which i used as inspiration.... KINDA... I won't upload the design just yet... I wana sew it and see how well it turns out first... but yea... its a complicated design i guess.... total no. of patterns which i did just for the design is 30 but i wrote 29 LOL... like 1 pattern would make a difference.... but yea... am proud to finish it ... due 2morrow :D yeah~ thus this blog post LOL~there's still lots of work to do 2morrow ... gosh... hope this week goes well for me :(

2011-08-07T11:38:00.002+08:00

i want pancakes for breakfast.... :)

lol anyway.... its the end of the first week of sch and currently I've only done a bit of my work... honestly... 1 =A= so yea.... but i'll continue after all my drama :D especially detective conan LOL~ been waiting an entire week for it :D besides that.... well... the workload is slowly increasing but i guess its expected... since I'm alrdi a 2nd year....its also about time i become a bit more professional in my work... and not too slack so :D shall give it my best....

2011-08-01T13:57:00.002+08:00

awesome Pein cosplay :D

didn't go shopping today ... :( woke up late.... shall do it 2morrow morning b4 sch i guess.... gosh how time flies so fast.... sch starts officially 2morrow and I am so nervous.... though... I just remembered... =A= that I need to get.... CALICO =A= yesh the only fabric used in sewing class =A= ah~ besides that... er.... I dun noe what else.... :P LOL~

2011-07-31T21:45:00.002+08:00

so...... sch starts nxt week.. like officially it starts on a TUESDAY for me....... but yea nxt week... 1 more day of freedom aka SHOPPING :D lol... and also my 3 figure drawing.. or maybe 2...... i still duno how i want the 3rd one to end up like :( o well... but... i am more determined then ever! lol... ok maybe 3/4 heartedly .... unlike last sem :D YAY!! GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!