20120114
|1/14/2012|
Today, a new day.... after all that's happened last night..
I woke up today wondering why I was alive....
wondereing why I wasnt taken in by my world....
And still as I try to return, reality just starts kicking in reminding me of everything I did
Good and Bad... and how badly I've screwed up and hurt people around me....
Tossing and turning I can never seem to return ....
Rejected by my own world, my own fantasy .... even they dun want me ....
So I just lay there in the darkness wondering, recalling everything that happened last night....
Nothing's changed.... I still feel like crying.... I still feel like screaming but neither my tears nor voice are willing to come out....
I slip back into this hatred.... into this state of pain that makes me start to think why....
Why am I still here....
Why didnt someone just kill me ....
Why .... Why.... Why.....
And even trying to be positive and forget everything didnt seem to work anymore....
For that moment.... I really wanted to die....
To disappear from this world cause I know that my presence would never make a difference....
So why.... why am I not dead.....
why didnt I disappear.....
Maybe I should have just went to the kitchen to stab myself with a knife....
Such thoughts just drifted into my head...
Urging me to actually do it....
But why didnt I.....
Maybe cause I'm a coward....
Maybe cause deep down I know that even if I were to die death wouldn't even want me....
And so I just lay there.... thinking of what to do with my life....
This suddenly meaningless life....
¶»We're all mad here.|~
有明ナツメ
