20120117
|1/17/2012|

So today's small life update.... before we go on to the topic...

If you have been following my tweets then you'd prolly know about my sudden motivation for sewing.... *awkward*We're sewing this men's shirt which for some reason I wanted to sew it really well....

All I could think about is "Give me a perfectly tailored shirt"

And it was said by one of the judges on The Fashion Show which is a really good show by the way .... more accurately he said " Give me a perfectly tailored suit/jacket/blazer" EITHER OR~ haha~ but it was on Season 2 during the couples special....

Anyway~ besides that.... today I've been just waiting for this sms .... well STILL AM waiting but who knows.... maybe he wun even reply haha~

Oh well~

Am just glad he's still in my life *whoooo~*

Other than that....been wasting my time reading love stories -A-

seriously a total regret cause V'dae is like nxt month which is also the 4th month of smth really impt .... and I really wana find out the ans.....

but till then :P

I think the love stories are sweet like those poems, love letters CHEESY but sweet haha~

And how ppl dun just fall in love with someone instantly but how it just grows....

It was also the really random ways or FATE that ppl meet and the weird places they went on their first date....

How they could remember every detail .... what they wore, what they did, where they went, exactly what they said ... *gosh*

Well actually I do too ~ haha~ so fair enough haha~

So ... currently watching this show abt the fashion industry in the UK and modelling .... apparently they have this measuring tape which is colour coded so anything that falls between 23/12 inch to 31 inches is healthy for a model and that the recommended BMI shouldnt be lower than 18.5 which is fair.... cause of all the controversy of being too thin and anorexia and stuff like that causing deaths in models, ave ppl being under such influences.... aka the unattainable (which is also unhealthy)

Am kinda glad that in the UK I'm considered model size or Sample size which means the size that an outfit a designer sews will be in my size aka sample size which is used for companies that target a mass market...

such samples are used to show how the garment would drape/fall on a person and how it would look, feel etc... as oppose to just a 2D sketch.... and with these samples meetings are held to decide whether or not to produce this garment for their shop or not....

It's really flattering hahah~ cause I've never been considered model size....

As growing up I was always just this fat girl .... had nicknames, insults .... some which till today I still remember....

There was also this incident whereby a classmate of mine wrote on the board in white chalk and really big letters "*my name* is muscles" trying to say that I'm fat but in a more indirect way and with that the entire class would just laugh .... and she used that as her personal msg on msn and kept signing in to show all her contact ..... she also used to say that in front of my face, when I walked by and STILL everyone laughed.... funny??? Even my dad calls me fat till today... when ppl ask what size I am or guesses a size he will always say an XXL or XL which is really hurtful and sometimes compares his own weight or my sis who is actually model size or smaller to mine or say that I'm growing fatter and that just makes me hate my size even more.... he would never believe even my mum or me that I'm actually M size and occasionally L depending on the cutting... (gosh I just told you what size I am >w< ) *curses*

To me I really didnt bother about my weight much and was pretty happy with it cause I lead a healthy lifestyle.... which was 3 meals a day, 8 glasses of water, rice, veg, meat, fruits .... but I guess its because of such nasty comments that to me size really became a big factor....

I think its really ironic how ppl say size doesnt matter and yet in society IT DOES!! ppl judge you from the way you look, your size.... etc

and yes... I obviously got under this pressure and developed this HUGE worry about my weight.... till today I do the same thing every morning which is to weigh myself .... if I've put on weight even if its just a 0.1 or 02 kg I would FREAK! and WORRY! and just constantly think of it.... and what's worse is I even started measuring my own waist, arms, hips and thighs and freak if even if I grew 0.1cm fatter !!!

I also got under this HUGE influence of running which I kinda developed a love for but it wasnt as healthy a thing as b4 where I would just go for a run on an empty stomach and after the run and water I wouldnt eat ....

Even my portions which was already 1/2 a bowl of rice slowly became 1/3 and then 1/4 .... and soon I've kinda realised that I've picked up a habit of cutting my given portion by half no matter how little it already is....

I did lose alot of weight.... honestly in an unhealthy way and in a span of 1 and a 1/2yr I've lost a total of 10kg... just because of that few nasty comments and insults I get ....

My parents worry and well they still do cause such habits are REALLY hard to kick and after graduation my lifestyle became even MORE unhealthy.... I do run when I feel like it this time NOT on an empty stomach and I do eat after running.... which is a plus ~

BUT

I've started a habit of just sleeping more than 8hrs a day.... the longest I've slept for is 14-15hrs in one day and just waking up to eat dinner and then spend time on the com before going back to bed.... 1 meal in that 1 day .... honestly I dun advice such a diet... its just not good....

If I'm really busy, I totally just disregard my stomach which is also another bad habit I've developed.... I can just do my hw from morning all the way to the next day without sleep at all and NOT even eating anything within this span except prolly dinner occasionally.... but I do drink water and juice and the reason why I have this habit is because of this mindset....

I'm too busy and have NO TIME to eat.... cause when I'm eating I'm wasting time and this time could be spent on completing my work....

It's a really stupid mindset I know and yet I still have it .... =A= gosh~

On a regular day I eat twice a day lunch and dinner BUT lunch mainly consist of starbucks coffee or milo and bread.... or just starbucks coffee....

Dinner is the ONLY meal I actually sit down to have rice and literally what we all call a proper meal....

then what abt breakfast? All I have is well currently its TEA with milk (royal milk tea/occasionally caramel milk tea) with abt 2 and a 1/2 scoops of sugar and NOTE this spoon I use to scoop is deep~ prolly equivalent to 4 to 5 packets of sugar...

why? cause I have another mindset which has affected my body.... I canot take in solid food any more cause I would end up either actually vomiting, feel like puking or just gag as I take in each bite.... its terrible.... and I can never NEVER EVER have meat in the morning cooked or not cause I would have this same feeling....

I've definitely vomited food out before just after eating because my stomach cant contain the food even though its just a small amt....

Though this mindset I have is kinda funny cause I only eat solid food for breakfast when I'm overseas.... I have an appetite when I'm overseas rather than just another average day....

Such habits, mindsets are really bad and yes I do eat really little except dinner which has affected me in quite a few ways....

It has gotten quite bad and well its REALLY hard to change this... now 2 sometimes 1 meal a day and I wun put on weight at all....

The good thing though is that I'm more obssessed over maintaining my weight as oppose to losing MORE weight.... I'm obviously NOT skinny, NOT stick thin and quite plump as I see it....

I honestly do not see weight as a big judgemental issue as I have frens who are bigger and heavier than me and they are just as awesome ... but yet when it comes to myself I cant help but judge and perceive myself as just plain FAT even though I've lost weight and actually do not have a BMI which puts me in the OBESE or FAT category anymore....

Long term I do worry about it cause as the days go by I've notice that my appetite gets smaller and smaller and I just dont feel hungry even if I dun eat a single thing the entire day from 8am to maybe 6pm? It is definitely something I wish to change but I obviously have a fear of putting on MORE weight and returning to this person who I've used to love but then grew to hate....

Personally I would recommend a healthy lifestyle though still don't actually lead one.... Foods that I grew to stay away from are eggs, bacon, ramen, eggplants and just oily foods whereby you can see a shitload of oil.... while I still eat mostly chicken but other food that I eat and love are like bread, cheese, fries, whipped cream?, ice cream/gelato and chocolate My diet mostly consist of starbucks.... SUPER unhealthy as you can see....

And yea am pretty sure it will take me a miracle to change.... but with such media influences I feel that you can really be too thin... anorexia.... bulimia..... was something I nearly became where at one stage I was just puking every single thing I ate.... am glad I gotten over it.... :) but such influence from fashion and the media, society in general really do have an impact on many people everyday and comparing sizes, weight even height, envying someone who looks like a model or wanting to be like a model I think every girl would have gone through such a stage and I really thought NO ONE would ever FALL IN LOVE WITH ME a fat, lazy ass person .... I thought I didnt deserve an guy I was just NOT good enuf and till today I still think so .... I'm in SG a UK 10 to 12 depending but in UK itself I'm a UK 8 to 10 so it was quite weird for me haha~

So yea that's my opinion on weight and size and how being obsessed with it has just made me really self conscious....